I am a zombie.

No, don’t get me wrong. This is not a new fiction blog about walking dead. I’m talking of real life, of decisions made, of wanting to go in a specific direction in order to fulfill your dreams or at least earn a living, and encountering a wall again and again.

I’m not afraid of hard working. I like challenges, I like my job, I have knowledge and a love for all kind of animals (yes, not only pets) beyond the average. But I’m not stupid. And I’ve already known slavery in other lives. I’m not up to go through the same for the umpteenth time.

I may have seen my actual coworker in a dream before I actually met her, but turns out I was right about not wanting to be part of the job. I was reluctant to join her for a reason. It’s a shame because she’s a very nice person and a valid professional, but I think she’s wasting her time trying to make a business work in such conditions. Maybe it is worth for her, but it is not worth for me.

So, I had my doubts if this new job meant I was still alive. I’m finding out I’m not. At most I’m prolonging the agony I already mentioned in my last blog post. I am a zombie, ready to die and this time, yes, forget about my current shitty profession. Not even until my next life. Forget FOREVER, if I can.

I need someone to kill me, quick. Cut off my head, throw a spear through my chest, whatever you think is best to prevent me from wanting to be a vet again.

Death is better than being a zombie.

Weird things happening... and musings about preplanning.

First, I’ll copy what I wrote in one of the forums I participate three days ago.

Sometimes weird things happen. Maybe the Universe is weird in itself. Or maybe it's just random and we think there is some kind of Force making them happen, who knows...

This is what I said exactly one month ago: 

    Today I had a dream I was in a vet clinic. When someone mentioned horses had a soul a coworker looked at her like she was crazy. So I started to speak to her in whispers, saying I understood, and talking about some of my theories but not everything, to make people think. The dream was much longer than that, I was feeling sad as it's as if I'd like to be there, but at the same time knowing I don't fit and I won't, no matter how much I try, at least in this life. Actually, in the dream I was saying "Every time I am inside, I'm happy at first but then it's not long before I get disappointed again, I just can't stand certain attitudes". And I think this has been triggered because of a conversation I've been having with someone who showed me exploiters and people who don't have respect for people's work exist in all professions, sadly (yesterday evening my boyfriend also pointed out to me that economists say that the way the world is going, everyone is going to have less and less good job positions). And then my rebel instincts stir and remind me I just can't deal with this kind of people and remain peaceful, as I am when I'm in the kitchen cooking or ironing while listening to music. Maybe one day I'll have to learn how to deal with them (that is, being false and pretending I give a damn for what they say), but it seems that's what I have to leave for another life. They'd kill me in this one. Maybe they did long ago, and that's what I'm fighting really, maybe that's the reason I seem to be in an eternal agony. 

This is not the first dream of this kind I have. I remember another one where I also was in a clinic filled with people, everyone working and complaining of the disorganization, work conditions, etc. But the last one was a bit different as I was talking to a particular person, and it seemed there was a bit of understanding between us.

While I was concentrating on my writer's career I began to feel like I was ok with forgetting about my vet career. Had I been killed? Well, it's ok, who cares... I can always come back in my next life, when I don't have to fight so much just to have a decent job after so much effort. I was having fun creating my own business cards as a writer, and the prospect of entering a contest for the first time is quite exciting. Then someone phoned. I couldn't even remember the job position I had applied to. I've been doing that almost every week for the last four years and a half, and most of the times they didn't even bother to phone. But then the interview was even more surprising. I met someone and things seemed to click instantly. She wasn't my boss, she'd be my coworker. I even thought I had met her before... not in this life, though later I discovered she had been doing an internship in the same place I had been working for the last time, but four years after I quit. She didn't accept the job she was offered after the internship because the pay was ridiculous.

Now I know there was a lot of competition to get this job (it just shows the desperation we're living in), but after we talked and then she saw me working she quickly made the choice, though her boss kept doubting and doubting. But sometimes it seems the Universe conspires to clear out all the obstacles so that you obtain what you need... when you need it (even when you think it's not the right moment).

When I think about her, I have the impression she was the one in the dream. It felt like I was debating with myself, as it's clear I have conflicts in this respect. But now it also feels I could have been talking to her, as if she was trying to convince me to join her, and I was telling her my reasons not to.

Now I will add a few words. At this point of my past life journey I still don’t know whether we plan our lives or not. I’d say we don’t. Some people love to believe everything is carefully planned and everything is right. Whatever happens, there’s a God up there who allows every death, every disgraceful event, someone who looks after our souls and makes sure there is a reason for everything. I always disagree. If that were true, we wouldn’t return with past life traumas, unresolved issues or fears to be judged again. While in Heaven, we would understand everything was planned and everything was for the better. We'd learn what we had to learn, and then we’d come back searching for new lessons. I do believe our human minds can’t grasp the intention of our soul wanting to go through certain experiences, and I do believe that what we think is wrong, could be right from the spiritual perspective. But I think there can be “deviations” from the script. We can make decisions we thought we’d never make. We can react in a different way when we encounter in reality those challenges we wanted to face. I don’t think we’re just puppets unconsciously living what was already planned. I think our lives are a dynamic process where anything can happen. I’m sure that’s the reason living is so “fun” most of the times.

What I can say now is that there’s indeed a higher self who knows better than our “lower self” (for lack of a better word) what we have to do next. I do believe we have “coworkers” who are part of the team and help us make the right decisions, depending on what we need. I also believe in free will, so I’m sure the final choice is always ours, no matter what advice they give. I think this is what we call “Destiny”. We think it’s something we can’t control, something outside of us. But it’s only we are not aware of how our consciousness works in higher levels, communicating with our guides and finally making us do what is better for us... IF the message gets through. I believe this is not always the case, as sometimes we are blind and deaf to the messages we get from our coworkers. We can get impatient, we can get stubborn, and pursue something we know is not for us, wasting time that maybe we won’t be able to recover. If we lose our head, things can certainly go wrong, and the end is all of our making, it’s not “carefully and divinely planned so that we learn something”. We learn from our own choices.

I feel so lucky to have the line open, to feel I’m not alone in this journey. I feel like I called three years ago, and they instantly replied to my cry of help, giving me the answers I sought. Now that I’ve resolved most of those issues that were affecting me, I can go back to work... and they unlocked the doors. Even before I felt ready, I was intuitively doing things to start this new stage in my life. I moved to my new flat, and brought my work clothes with me, though the prospect of finding a job kept looking quite bad. It seems magic, but it’s just... LIFE!