“On the edge of despair” is one of
these songs. I have said before that this rock band, Arena, seems to be linked
to my past lives. I have to confess that I have been always been attracted to Clive
Nolan, the main “culprit” of those songs in my music collection that I would
play over and over again, including in my funeral. And I swear it is not
because of his blonde, long hair (despite that, I can’t say he is too
attractive, though I think it would be quite interesting to talk to him about a
few things). Before Arena, I knew him for being the keyboardist in Pendragon,
and so I had seen him a few times live in concert. I also knew he was an
amateur writer, and in one of those concerts I was about to approach him and
tell him: “Hey, you’re really awesome, your music and lyrics are so inspiring,
I am a writer too and your songs are always present in my stories”. I told him
nothing in the end while he was signing my ticket, but to say “I was about to”
is already a lot for me. Usually I don’t even talk to strangers or people I
have just met.
I don’t know if Clive Nolan believes
in reincarnation, though you could say so reading many of his lyrics,
especially those that deal with death and the afterlife. Of course, I don’t
think he is in any way connected to me or any of my past lives, but I just have
to wonder when he describes certain scenes so similar to my actual memories. I
don’t know if I ever mentioned here that right after I died as Katrina, I had a
memory where the soldier who had killed me took me in his arms, just a tiny
woman, a wretched thing that couldn’t bear more suffering. Well, “On the edge
of despair” is only a small part of a short story written by Clive for the
Arena album called “Contagion”. In this story, a man with certain psychic
abilities comes down to Earth and in his struggle to save mankind from an evil
he unleashed, encounters a little girl who bears the same tattoo in her hand.
She seems fragile but she is an old soul, with a rare strength and inner
knowledge. She is his hope for the future. She is about to die, and for some
time, thinking he won’t be able to save her, he is on the edge of despair.
I can’t begin to say all the
parallelisms I find in this song in relation to Katrina. The first time I
listened to it, I wasn’t reading the lyrics, but I caught the words: Too young and unprepared for such distress,
and tears welled instantly in my eyes. That was such an accurate description of
my life in WWII. When I had the chance to read them all, the meaning in them
went even deeper. The blood in the first verse, I can say it is metaphoric in
my case, as I didn’t lie with blood on my face. But I can indeed say there was
blood all over the place. It was a war after all, and I had seen pools of blood
in the streets. It is also true no one seemed to care if I live or die. I was
always quiet, a stranger among Germans who had been drafted in an occupied
city. Johann had been my only friend, but he was dead. If something, Katrina
was always so alone, so utterly alone.
She fought all she could, with all her innocence and all her youth. She never
did wrong, but evil men hurt her. The song seems to carry a message for my
current self, when I’m sunk in depression: Don't
let this life decay to misery and hate / Don't throw it away (again) -- don't leave it too late (but don’t
die too old). I have always thought I should not kill myself again... but I
don’t want to die of old age either.
When I imagine this man (this
soldier) taking me in his arms, somehow it is comforting: thinking there is
someone who did care, even though he wasn’t capable to do anything for me. I
strongly suspect one of the soldiers who knew of those sad events reincarnated
in one of my schoolmates in my current life. I still dream of him sometimes. I
am sure he liked me but never dared to approach me, there was a guilty look
in his eyes, mixed with certain sadness. I know he at least cared in my
previous life but couldn’t defend me, or he would have put his position, even
his life, in danger. I don’t think he was the same soldier that killed me, but
still, it feels as if certain silent and regretful gazes can speak worlds and
connect souls through time and space.
There is another verse that needs no
explanation: it clearly refers to reincarnation (at least from my point of
view):
There will be a time and place
You'll be sure to find me there
Praying that I won't be too late
To take you from the edge of despair
You'll be sure to find me there
Praying that I won't be too late
To take you from the edge of despair
Sometimes it seems like it, but we
are never alone. There is always someone watching over us.
ON THE EDGE OF DESPAIR
Lying there - With spiders in your
hair
No one seems to care if you survive
Blood on your face - All over the place
No one seems to care if you live or you die
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
Lying there - On the edge of despair
This is where I should have been
Black and blue - All battered and bruised
This is where I should have been
Lying there - With death in the air
Too young and unprepared for such distress
Hanging on - But not for too long
Too young and unprepared for such distress
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
There will be a time and place
You'll be sure to find me there
Praying that I won't be too late
To take you from the edge of despair
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
No one seems to care if you survive
Blood on your face - All over the place
No one seems to care if you live or you die
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
Lying there - On the edge of despair
This is where I should have been
Black and blue - All battered and bruised
This is where I should have been
Lying there - With death in the air
Too young and unprepared for such distress
Hanging on - But not for too long
Too young and unprepared for such distress
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
There will be a time and place
You'll be sure to find me there
Praying that I won't be too late
To take you from the edge of despair
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
