Brothers.

I can’t get the song “I see fire”, from the movie The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, out of my head. The lyrics are quite simple, the melody is restrained, it evokes impending danger, and loss. And death. It brings past life memories, but not one or two... plenty of them.

Death is constantly in my mind. I am also feeling a bit blocked lately: like I said in my previous entry, there are emotions brewing in my inside, but it seems they don’t want to come out. I have a few scenes playing in my memory like a video player that got stuck. I know there are things missing there, but the pieces remain lost. They all are scenes of death.

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high, into the night

This part reminds me of France. I have had to die alone in many of my lifetimes, but in this one we were a whole town fighting for our rights. There is something romantic about dying together, though most (normal) people would think there is nothing romantic about death. Well, I think there is kind of an intimacy when you are dying that makes it a very special moment to share with those who really care. I will emphasize “those who really care”, as that is something you do when you really love someone. That is what my soulmate did for me in Norway. But that was a peaceful death, and we were romantically involved. Dying in a fight is also romantic, but in a different way. It is a feeling soldiers know very well, and so, so hard, to find in real life. In France we were not even soldiers, but there was union among us. There was pride. Maybe there was desperation too, and we knew we were going to lose. But we fought anyway.  

And if we should die tonight,
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

More of the same. Only... the words “for the last time” are not exact. I would add “for the last time... in this life, with these bodies”. The chapter is over, but not the book. We will meet again in the future. And this, that may sound quite romantic too, a plain illusion, might surprise certain people when you find out it is totally true. It also reminds me of Cloud Atlas, and how blind we are to the Truth. It is a bittersweet feeling, because even when you know the Truth, sometimes you don’t have clear memories, so knowing the Truth is not too useful or practical.

It also makes me reflect about the meaning of time. Our lives are so short, but we keep wasting our time. We think death is still far, but it can be around the corner. The last time can be any moment. Death may come unexpectedly, in an accident, in a murder in the street, in a battle. You get up one morning hoping you will return home to hold your wife and kiss your boy goodnight, and that moment may never come. All my life I have thought words can’t remain unsaid, but thing is, it is quite likely some words will always remain unsaid. Why, I don’t know. I could say it doesn’t matter, because we will all meet again in the other side. But even when death is not the end of everything, death means the end of a physical life, where there are others connected to you one way or the other. And as most of them live unaware of the Truth, words unsaid can do a lot of harm. There is another song I love as well, Marillion’s “Dry land”, that says “You’re so violent with your silence”. And yes, I have come to know you can indeed be very violent without saying a word. I even learned to use it as a weapon. Not anymore. But still, we human beings are like this. We can be talking about the weather for a couple of hours, but never say what is important to your own mother or sister, for years.

It is also true that sometimes words are needless sometimes, especially when you are going to die and you know it.

And I see fire, Hollowing souls
I see fire, Blood in the breeze

And I hope that you remember me

This reminds me of my son. The one I left in France, I don't know if dead or alive. I said to him "Remember this day". I knew we were not going to make it into History, but I wish we had. I am proud some of my countrymen did, and they should not be forgotten. Victims —from either side— should not be forgotten. But too often they are. In no other life I saw more deaths than in this one. And I have no memories of the aftermath, but I wonder what all those hollowing souls do when massacres happen.

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

My brothers and my people. These are the words that stand out the most from this verse. It takes a lot of love to call “brothers” people who haven’t grown up with you, but when you feel that’s the kind of love that binds you to people you haven’t even met in real life, only online, you wonder whether you have gone crazy or suffer a certain psychiatric syndrome still to discover. And if, in addition to that, you share some past life memories with them, then it’s clear: you have lost it.

Or maybe not. If I have unexplained paternal instincts towards a person even before remembering a past life together, and then it turns out she was indeed my son, then reincarnation might be the explanation. But there are not only paternal instincts, it turns out you also were brothers, and it is quite likely you were also friends... So, what are we really? Many people think motherly love is the best. I’ve always thought that is not true, I think it is very influenced by hormones and nature, it is just a survival behavior. I have always thought that real love is the one that happens when you can love people outside your family, outside your race, outside your town, outside your own species... It is expected you love your kin, otherwise you would be a traitor. Loving someone different, that’s “real love”. And if I have to choose human love, I would choose the love among brothers, as that means it doesn’t matter how you are, or how well you get along, you will be there for me and I will be here for you. We are a team. We may be apart for years, leading different lives, but the bond is always there. Of course I am talking of true brothers, this doesn’t mean there has to be necessarily a blood relationship. That’s what real friends become. That’s the feeling that arises when you spend twenty-four hours a day living with someone and afraid of bombs. Or crossing the Atlantic Ocean back and forth, getting sick on deck, wondering what you will do when you have to shoot someone from the first time, not knowing what the future might bring. Fearing death approaches brings people together, even when you just can’t bear each other. And it is people like this you would love to die with, if you had no other option left.

Brothers. I know I had lots of them in that ship that got awfully burned down. I also have something about fire, but I don’t know exactly what. I don’t remember fire, but there must have been. I don’t remember their faces, but I am sure they were there, and they lost their captain. Sometimes I think I took them to their deaths, but probably they were fighting for the same reasons than me... and we all had hopes to return home safe. Only we didn’t. We died. Together. 

I SEE FIRE

Oh misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls

And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons

If this is to end in fire

Then we should all burn together

Watch the flames climb high, into the night

Calling out father, oh

Stand by and we will,

Watch the flames burn auburn on

The mountain side...High

And if we should die tonight,

Then we should all die together

Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father, oh

Prepare as we will

Watch the flames burn auburn on

The mountain side

Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire, Inside the mountain

I see fire, Burning the trees

And I see, fire, Hollowing souls

I see fire, Blood in the breeze

And I hope that you remember me

Oh should my people fall then

Surely I'll do the same

Confined in mountain halls

We got too close to the flame

Calling out father, oh,

Hold fast and we will

Watch the flames burn auburn on

The mountain side

Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire, Inside the mountain

I see fire, Burning the trees

And I see fire, Hollowing souls

I see fire, Blood in the breeze

And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning

I will cover my eyes

For if the dark returns

Then my brothers will die

And as the sky is falling down

It crashed into this lonely town

And with that shadow upon the ground

I hear my people screaming out

And I see fire

Inside the mountains

I see fire

Burning the trees

And I see fire

Hollowing souls

I see fire

Blood in the breeze

And I see fire (Oh you know I saw a city burning) (fire)

And I see fire (Feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)

And I see fire (WohoowooOOo) (fire)

And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side

Relationships from the past.

Quite a complicated subject. And my experience is short… but all I can say, at least so far, is: “It sucks”. Completely.

There are a few people in my current life I’ve recognized in some of my past lives. The problem is I lost contact with most of them, I never knew them enough to ask them about their beliefs in reincarnation, and even when they were open to it, it’s likely they wouldn’t remember, so… what’s the point in telling them they were such and such, and this is what happened between us, and this is why I felt like that and you acted so strange when I was near? I can tell them any tale I can imagine, as we’re friends they won’t say to me I’m crazy but silently they’ll wonder about my sanity… So, even if I met some of these people again and I was bold enough to tell them, I’m afraid it all would end up quite bad.

There’s someone I suspect she was my girlfriend in my most recent life. She’s still one of my best friends and we use to meet twice or thrice in a year. She even knows I’m quite deep into reincarnation now. But years ago she (I’ll call her G) almost lost another common friend (L) because this friend started to mention “weird” things about having met G’s brother in a past life. I don’t know the details, I don’t even know what the reasons were L was making such a claim, if she had some intuitions or it was something else (I don’t think so, we all liked paranormal topics, but we never knew much about reincarnation), but it was quite sad and horrible. And strange… So, I just can’t go now and tell G I suspect she was my girlfriend in a past life. We get along and there are no problems between us, so I don’t see the point.

But then there’s another case. When someone is open to reincarnation and does have memories, you may think “Hey, that’s great, we may find common lives and share some memories, that’s great for validations”. Yes, it is… when it happens. When it doesn’t happen, it’s just as frustrating (or more) as the former cases. The connection I have with this person is just amazing… even overwhelming sometimes, very close to “really paranormal”, as I sense I almost can think what she thinks or feel what she feels/felt in other lives. The problem is she doesn’t seem to be as intuitive as I am, and though we get along, with the exception of some minor arguments or misunderstandings (our relationship is exclusively online), I feel she just can’t understand why I tell her certain things sometimes, or why she reacts in certain ways other times… A long time ago I had memories of a few past lives with her, but recently I’m having more, and while for me it’s all so clear, it keeps being so hard to explain to her all this, and find the right words to help her without making her feel uncomfortable. Besides, I keep wondering why I remember: is it me who has to understand something? Is it only for me to understand how I feel for her? Is it for me to know the best way to help her? I don’t feel she trusts me enough… but that happened in the past too. Did I remember because I feel the same way I felt back then? Eventually I know I could accomplish great things with her in that life, but can I do it again in this life? Do I have even the right to do so? She’s been very important to me too, but maybe I’m not that important for her, and that’s alright, I’ve always known soulmates are bound to play different roles in each life, and relationships with them are rarely perfect. I'm aware what is past is past, and it's over and it doesn't have to be the same again, but the emotions linger... the emotions are so similar it's just unbelievable. Have we met again so that I can help her, or is it all accidental? Did I something wrong and now we have to sort out unresolved issues? I don’t feel this is the case, but if she doesn’t feel alright having me around, maybe I’m wrong…

Anyway, this is so weird sometimes. I have to smile when someone tells me: “Why don’t you want to have kids? That’s the best human experience you’re going to have…” I’ve never wanted kids, and there have been times in my life when I was really annoyed when I was told that. Then I found out why I don’t want to have kids. And I learned to calm down and just answer politely “I just don’t like them. I want to have my own life”, or something in the style. People rarely tell you the real truth behind having kids: you have more problems and less time for yourself, how fun! Of course, my reasons go much deeper than that: some died being too young, most of them I didn’t live enough to see them grow up, others I abandoned when I couldn’t raise them properly due to personal problems with justice… One who made it to adulthood, was decapitated in front of my eyes, seconds before being decapitated myself. And there’s only one I’ve met in my present life (as far as I know). So, nowadays, if someone asked me the same question, I’d say “Well, I don’t need to have kids, I already have one… from another life” (and then cross fingers I won't be sent to the Lunatic Asylum). This isn’t true, of course, I don’t “own” anyone and that’s never been my desire, but it’s funny how without being a parent I feel so many “paternal instincts” I didn’t even know I had. Now I understand my own father more than ever, and I see how hard it is to live faraway from your kids, and now I can talk about a love that never goes away, and a pride I’ve never felt for anyone before. It’s so, so weird… but that’s what remembering past lives has given me, and I’m truly grateful for that, even when coping with it is hard sometimes.