Well, the truth is I don't really know if this is a past life song or
not, but I discovered it just a few days ago and I do know it brings me
weird feelings.
I was checking my news feed in Facebook and someone had posted this great video in a group dedicated to Tolkien:
The
first time I heard it, it was just the rhythm and the male deep voices.
I knew it sounded like German. The second time I noticed it has
something that makes you think of war, somehow it reminded me of my past
life as a Scottish warrior, it is the kind of song you would sing
before a battle, to cheer up and keep the fear away.
Then
I researched the band. I found out their songs are inspired in Vikings
and the German mythology, and they show a lot of Viking scenes in their
videos. Their music is a bit too hard for me. I prefer progressive rock
and more melodic songs, but anyway I love how they use violins and how
they merge all the male voices. And they are Dutch.
I wanted to sing along, so I went a step farther and looked for the lyrics. Here they are:
VOLKSLIED
Gelders dreven zijn de mooiste In ons dierbaar Nederland Vette klei en heidegronden Beken, bos en heuvelrand Ginds de Waal, daar weer de ijssel, Dan de Maas en ook de Rijn Geeft ons recht om heel ons leven Trots op Gelderland te zijn
Waar het vaderland bebouwd werd Door den Saksischen Germaan, Daar werd onze stam geboren, Daar is Gelderland ontstaan En het graan dat thans geoogst wordt Waar het woest en wild eens was Geeft ons recht om trots te wezen Op ons echte Gelders ras
In de dorpen en de steden Tussen Brabant en de zee Tussen Utrecht en Westfalen Heerst de welvaart en de vree Met je kerken en kastelen, Met je huisjes aan de dijk, Gelderland jij bent de parel Van ons Nederlands koninkrijk
Ginds de Waal, daar weer de ijssel, Dan de Maas en ook de Rijn Geeft ons recht om heel ons leven Trots op Gelderland te zijn
For some reason, they make me smile.
Then
one of those nights I went to bed and started to have some flashes,
though I don't think they are past life related. They were images of
warriors, battles, very similar to the ones I had seen in those music
videos, so I just can't give them too much importance right now.
However, I have the feeling I may have a hidden past life here, or even
several, as sometimes I feel as a woman who just loves these men who are
so brave and strong and try to keep her safe, her and the rest of
women. They feel a bit like my Celtic life, in which my father died in a
fight, but I don't think they fit here. And other times I also feel
like one of those warriors, I feel them as my mates, I am proud of them
and I know we protect each other, I know we would die for one
another.
I also found the translation of those lyrics.
VOLKSLIED
The droveways* of Gelder* are the
most beautiful In our dear Netherlands
Rich clay and moorlands
Streams, woods and hillside
Yonder the Waal*, there the Ijssel*,
Then the Maas and the Rhine as well
Give us the right to, all our lives,
Be proud of Gelderland
Where the fatherland was cultivated
By the Saxon Germanic,
That is where our tribe was born,
That is where Gelderland arose
And the grain that is now harvested
Where the savage wilderness once was
Gives us the right to be proud
Of our true Gelder race
In the villages and cities
Between Brabant* and the sea
Between Utrecht* and Westphalia
Prosperity and peace dominate
With your churches and castles,
With your little homes on the dike
Gelderland, you are the pearl
Of our Dutch kingdom
Yonder the Waal*, there the Ijssel*,
Then the Maas and the Rhine as well
Give us the right to, all our lives,
Be proud of
Gelderland
I wish I could feel the same pride and love for my country as I used to in previous lives.
The Nobel Prize of Literature 2016
has been awarded to Bob Dylan. I am laughing so hard at all these “serious
writers” who are complaining about it, not because I am a fan of Bob Dylan, I
have never been, but because there is so much pedantry among writers that they
deserve just for once to be ignored. In my opinion, there are a lot of
songwriters (and many of them are heavy rock musicians) who can transmit in a
few words emotions that not even García Márquez in his A hundred years of boredom, as I use to call it, can do in hundreds
of pages.
“On the edge of despair” is one of
these songs. I have said before that this rock band, Arena, seems to be linked
to my past lives. I have to confess that I have been always been attracted to Clive
Nolan, the main “culprit” of those songs in my music collection that I would
play over and over again, including in my funeral. And I swear it is not
because of his blonde, long hair (despite that, I can’t say he is too
attractive, though I think it would be quite interesting to talk to him about a
few things). Before Arena, I knew him for being the keyboardist in Pendragon,
and so I had seen him a few times live in concert. I also knew he was an
amateur writer, and in one of those concerts I was about to approach him and
tell him: “Hey, you’re really awesome, your music and lyrics are so inspiring,
I am a writer too and your songs are always present in my stories”. I told him
nothing in the end while he was signing my ticket, but to say “I was about to”
is already a lot for me. Usually I don’t even talk to strangers or people I
have just met.
I don’t know if Clive Nolan believes
in reincarnation, though you could say so reading many of his lyrics,
especially those that deal with death and the afterlife. Of course, I don’t
think he is in any way connected to me or any of my past lives, but I just have
to wonder when he describes certain scenes so similar to my actual memories. I
don’t know if I ever mentioned here that right after I died as Katrina, I had a
memory where the soldier who had killed me took me in his arms, just a tiny
woman, a wretched thing that couldn’t bear more suffering. Well, “On the edge
of despair” is only a small part of a short story written by Clive for the
Arena album called “Contagion”. In this story, a man with certain psychic
abilities comes down to Earth and in his struggle to save mankind from an evil
he unleashed, encounters a little girl who bears the same tattoo in her hand.
She seems fragile but she is an old soul, with a rare strength and inner
knowledge. She is his hope for the future. She is about to die, and for some
time, thinking he won’t be able to save her, he is on the edge of despair.
I can’t begin to say all the
parallelisms I find in this song in relation to Katrina. The first time I
listened to it, I wasn’t reading the lyrics, but I caught the words: Too young and unprepared for such distress,
and tears welled instantly in my eyes. That was such an accurate description of
my life in WWII. When I had the chance to read them all, the meaning in them
went even deeper. The blood in the first verse, I can say it is metaphoric in
my case, as I didn’t lie with blood on my face. But I can indeed say there was
blood all over the place. It was a war after all, and I had seen pools of blood
in the streets. It is also true no one seemed to care if I live or die. I was
always quiet, a stranger among Germans who had been drafted in an occupied
city. Johann had been my only friend, but he was dead. If something, Katrina
was always so alone, so utterly alone.
She fought all she could, with all her innocence and all her youth. She never
did wrong, but evil men hurt her. The song seems to carry a message for my
current self, when I’m sunk in depression: Don't
let this life decay to misery and hate / Don't throw it away (again) -- don't leave it too late (but don’t
die too old). I have always thought I should not kill myself again... but I
don’t want to die of old age either.
When I imagine this man (this
soldier) taking me in his arms, somehow it is comforting: thinking there is
someone who did care, even though he wasn’t capable to do anything for me. I
strongly suspect one of the soldiers who knew of those sad events reincarnated
in one of my schoolmates in my current life. I still dream of him sometimes. I
am sure he liked me but never dared to approach me, there was a guilty look
in his eyes, mixed with certain sadness. I know he at least cared in my
previous life but couldn’t defend me, or he would have put his position, even
his life, in danger. I don’t think he was the same soldier that killed me, but
still, it feels as if certain silent and regretful gazes can speak worlds and
connect souls through time and space.
There is another verse that needs no
explanation: it clearly refers to reincarnation (at least from my point of
view):
There will be a time and place
You'll be sure to find me there
Praying that I won't be too late
To take you from the edge of despair
Sometimes it seems like it, but we
are never alone. There is always someone watching over us.
ON THE EDGE OF DESPAIR
Lying there - With spiders in your
hair
No one seems to care if you survive
Blood on your face - All over the place
No one seems to care if you live or you die
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
Lying there - On the edge of despair
This is where I should have been
Black and blue - All battered and bruised
This is where I should have been
Lying there - With death in the air
Too young and unprepared for such distress
Hanging on - But not for too long
Too young and unprepared for such distress
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
There will be a time and place
You'll be sure to find me there
Praying that I won't be too late
To take you from the edge of despair
We're the same you know
Putting up walls and dodging the stones
We're the same you know
Walking in the crowd, but living alone
Don't let this life decay to misery and hate
Don't throw it away -- don't leave it too late
I have noticed July is a weird month
for me in regards to reincarnation. I have commented on this before, probably
somewhere in this blog. Maybe this year the feeling is even stronger. Things
are going great for me at the moment. Three months ago, right after my accident
skating, I decided to start physical training six days a week, alternating
yoga and fitness routines. My main objective was to fully recover my left knee
and shoulder, but then I found I was absolutely loving it and I couldn’t stop.
I have lost three kilograms in three months and I am feeling stronger. I also
found some inspiring guys like Frank Medrano or Elena Malova who also follow a
vegan diet and so I have started to focus even more in the positive things in
life. In a way I feel like in my most recent past life during the Cold War,
when I decided to leave drugs behind and work for the American Army (now I
really hope I won’t die in some kind of crash). But at the same time... there
is this uneasiness deep inside, a restlessness whose origin is not clear.
My life as an active reincarnationist
is not fulfilling at all, that is no secret. As I have repeatedly said in
several places, remembering past lives is a lonely path. The forum and various
blogs I administer are running non-stop, growing each day. They keep me quite
busy and that is fine, but I miss the old times, especially the old times when
I first arrived to Military Past Lives and found my people. People who had gone through similar experiences to mine, people who at last could understand, who knew how to listen, people who
could teach me lots of things. It is quite funny to hear certain forum users (trolls)
say I am an egotistic person, when I am always searching for people who can
teach me new things. I am no leader. I was a warship captain in one of my past
lives and I still don’t know how I could do the job. Even when I created my
forum, my thought always was: “I don’t want this to be my forum, it is a forum for its members”. Circumstances, such as my
insatiable curiosity or my thirst for knowledge, have made me an expert in my
field. The Spanish-speaking countries are full of reincarnation beginners
who want answers, and yes, I am there to help and answer those questions. But I am
not a guru, I am just a reincarnationist who wants to find other
reincarnationists to talk in deep about past lives. Not the theory, not the
superficial talk that is all around the internet, but those things that really
matter to people who remember past lives: how to deal with them. I always like
to go beyond, and you just can’t do this with beginners.
So, here I stand, feeling restless,
feeling this inner turmoil that was already there when I started to remember
past lives, perhaps because we wouldn’t move if there were no inner turmoil
inside, something to drive you on in search of answers. But years go by, and
after all I have come to know, this inner turmoil is still here, only I don’t
know where it is going to take me now. I keep feeling this strong need to
express myself, to put into words all those past life emotions left abandoned
in some corner of my soul. But when it is time to write, I am blocked. I can
ramble for hours, but the important words will remain unsaid.
I am weary. Weary of hearing always
the same doubts, of having the same discussions with scientists who don’t even
bother to talk to us, of being added against my will to stupid Facebook groups about the
afterlife where only inaccurate and frivolous articles are posted. Weary of
finding (sometimes) great accounts, but being unable to shout it out loud, due
to the witness’s completely understandable fear of being ridiculed. Weary of
having to keep it all inside, as if remembering past lives were a dirty secret
that might get you institutionalized. Weary of a world where money is all that
matters. And to avoid more weariness, while I wait for more memories to arrive,
I spend my days doing things that make me feel good, like exercise... or listening
to music.
One of those precious gifts of life
came to me unexpectedly the other day, when I listened to a special radio
broadcast in which my elder brother participated. It was about the progressive
rock band Arena. I know almost all their discography, but this jewel had gone
unnoticed until now: it is called “Sirens”. And quite eerily (as always happens
with Arena), it perfectly describes my actual mood in relation to past lives. I
think it sums it all quite well: from the first whispers of your intuition, calling
you to start the journey, to the last moments when you are about to get smashed
into the rocks and you wonder why you paid any heed to those voices. Of course,
the storm in the middle is when you are dealing with the past life memories themselves,
engulfed in those strong emotions, fearing you will get drowned. It even
mentions the one I miss the most, the one I can’t stop calling but only rarely
comes: my spiritual guide and soulmate, the real culprit of all this inner
turmoil... or is he my siren... or, better said, my merman? His song is so tantalizing, and at the same time,
so deadly. Right now I am just drifting on the sea, wondering where the tide
will take me.
I love those moments when you just
have discovered a song and you just can’t stop hearing it, but you still don’t
know the melody and all the verses by heart, so it keeps surprising you and taking you higher and higher. It is pure magic.
Death and reincarnationists. It is
not the first time I write about this, as death is always in my mind. Lately,
it has become more present. Maybe the reason is I am getting old, and those I
love even older. In this life I have been fortunate enough to lose only a young
kitty, event that was quite painful to me and showed me what I was capable of
doing for “just an animal”, but the mourning was short. When my grandparents died
I was too small to know what all the fuss was about. And now, at 40, I have
known closed deaths of relatives, but not close enough to make me cry. Or maybe
all those defenses I built are being helpful now? “Don’t love anyone too much,
because one day they will be gone, and you will die with them”. At least, that
is what happened to me in WWII, though before that I had already lived other
losses that broke my heart in a way I only can imagine today. But time keeps
passing, inexorable. And death is getting closer.
One thing I have come to realize
through remembering past lives. You become used to talk about death, you lose
some of the fear of it, as you are certain death is not the end. But anyway
death keeps being an annoyance. Like I said in an conversation not long ago,
death is like a visit to the dentist: necessary, but always fearful because you
don’t know what to expect, what it will be like this time, if you will be able
to accept it and carry on with no unresolved issues. You can be more or less brave
when facing your own or others’ death, but you eventually have to yield. There
is no other way. And yielding is never easy. Our survival instincts make us
fight, make us afraid of the end, of the dissolution of our ego, of forgetfulness.
Whether we want it or not, death always brings some kind of suffering to
ourselves or the ones we love. It makes us angry, sad, weak, we feel helpless
and naked in front of death. The worst of it all is most of us are not prepared
to face it. This is one of the reasons I am most thankful for being a
reincarnationist: I know how I died in a few past lives, I know it is not that bad... at least when it is finally
over.
And this is why I love so much this
song by Arena called “Ascension”. I want it to sound (LOUDLY) in my cremation. There
are so many past life feelings behind this song. However, it is not related to
specific past life events, as it depicts the moment right after death. My memories
of that kind are in no way similar to what the song says. I have never seen
myself “ascending”. But I have felt the liberation, the end of the suffering,
the departure. One chapter is over, let’s write the next. For a while, no more
fear, no more judgment, no more rage, no more sadness. It is hard to leave
behind your body, your being, your life, but once it’s done, it’s done (unless
you want to become a ghost). And though I have felt that same detachment in some
of my OBE’s, when you’re back in your body you seem to forget this physical
life is what it is: not even a chapter, just a short line in the nearly eternal
book of your spiritual life, the real one. But you forget and then death looks terrible again. I guess that's part of being human, and no one said being human is easy.
Rising up: you thought it was the end, and it is just a new beginning.
It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to do something
like this, and now that we’re on a Sunday, I’m not in the mood for a serious
talk about anything, and I feel I’ve already turned the page concerning my
latest posts, probably today is a good day to start.
Music is one of the greatest triggers to remember past
lives. Sometimes it’s the music itself the one that brings you back straight
to the past: it can be a military march, the sound of drums, a popular song, an
opera. Other times it’s the emotions that music and lyrics cause in you. In my
case, old music usually provokes me bad feelings: for example, opera always
makes me nervous, I’ve hated it ever since I can remember. I suspect this comes
from my WWII life. I remember a gramophone my boss had in the apartment where I
worked as a housemaid, though I think the bad feelings come because that kind
of music was quite common in that era and I don’t like to remember. But for me,
the greatest triggers have been from modern songs with specific lyrics that
bring past life emotions. Before I started to remember past lives, I already
knew the band Arena and I had even attended a live concert, but I wasn’t a big
fan. Some years later I began to delve into their music and discovered a jewel.
I regretted I had not done so earlier. Coincidentally, when this happened, I
was having my first past life memories, and their music has closely accompanied
me ever since. Sometimes the synchronicities have been even a bit weird. For
instance, one of his latest songs included a mention to Pandoras’s Box, the
title of my reincarnation book. I just love them, because they talk a lot about
death... and often you would say they also talk about reincarnation.
Today’s song reflects perfectly the stage I’m in
regarding my past life journey. It feels like I’m leaving behind a wonderful
introspection time where I discovered the real nature of human beings. This
means I had to get through a lot of pain and darkness in my own past lives,
things that are not easy to acknowledge and accept. But at the end you realize
it was worth the effort. Pieces of the song remind me of certain past life
events, other pieces make me picture myself exactly like they describe: someone
who has gone a long and dark path and still feels so astounded by everything
he encountered in that path.
HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?
Something
now, is something that will always be
This
is far beyond some earthbound human plan
In
this universe we’re merely specks of sand
Nothing
more than man
Tell
me - How did it come to this?
What
we do, may light an unexpected fuse
Every
left or right may lead to consequences
If
the butterfly should flap its wings
If
an angel sings
Tell
me - How did it come to this?
Tell
me - How did it come to this?
Once
a child, I tried to hold eternity
Take
a leap of faith and never fear the fall
But
as I floated to those distant shores
I
would hit the wall
How
could I believe...
There
was something on the other side of it all
More
than any man could truly understand
More
than I could comprehend
So
how did it come to this?
Honestly,
I never thought I’d seek adventure in my life
Never
thought that I would walk so dark a road
In
this universe we’re merely specks of sand
Nothing
more than man
Honestly,
I never thought I’d reach such judgement in my life
never
thought that I would fall upon this road
And
if the butterfly should flap its wings
If
an angel sings
So
how did it come to this?
How
did it come to this?
I
always say one thing is believing in reincarnation, and a very different thing is remembering past lives and be certain of the reality of reincarnation. It
doesn’t matter how many times you say this, someone who doesn’t have the same
experience won’t ever understand. This verse always makes me think about this transcendental
question:
How
could I believe...
There
was something on the other side of it all
More
than any man could truly understand
More
than I could comprehend
Once
you remember and verify your own past lives, you pass through this stage of “bewilderment”,
when you think: “Wow, so... is reincarnation true?” You also understand how
past lives can affect you and others, how your decisions are all that matters
in this game. You understand (at least you try, and probably are closer
than others to do so) what life really is.
Never
thought that I would walk so dark a road
This
sentence here always reminds me of my shadow, how I could have never imagined
all the things I did in my past. It’s one of those things about which I often
have to remain silent, as nearly no one would understand. Newbies and skeptics
love to theorize about the possibility many people just “imagine” their past
lives, or it’s all wishful thinking. Yes. It would seem many of us love to
relive again and again how we were imprisoned and hanged in our past lives, or
how our loved ones were murdered right before our eyes. And yet, I’m pretty
sure that without those dark events happening in our lives, we wouldn’t come to
appreciate peace, justice, love or other beautiful things on Earth.
So,
how did it come to this?
This
is quite similar to one question I always ask myself and would like to ask many
people I’ve met along my journey: What were you thinking? Life is complicated.
You can set off with best intentions, you can even think you’re doing the right
things or being as fair as possible, but sometimes things just turn wrong at
some point. And though people in general always tend to blame others and find
lots of excuses for their doings, the truth is that in most cases, our actions
are the only ones to blame. The good news is we always have a second chance
(and many more).
