Vertigo.

This is what I’m feeling while I’m trying to solve some past life issues that are affecting me right now. I mentioned at the beginning of this blog I was in the middle of major changes in my life, a breaking up, a separation, an uncertain destiny ahead of me. And for the first time I’ve decided to stand and face those issues and use all the knowledge I’ve gained through my past life exploration in my behalf, to deal with them in the now, and make other people understand the reasons for my behavior, my strong reactions, my personality, my dislikes… It may work or it may not, but I’m pretty sure this is what I have to do.

And it’s not easy, of course. Though my partner is quite understanding and patient, and has learned a bit about reincarnation because he had no other option with me by his side, he doesn’t remember past lives, and therefore, he can’t imagine how past life memories make you feel, how they can bring you to the brink of madness, how haunting, real and strong they are, just like any other emotion of your present life. But when you realize those memories of the past are responsible of a malfunctioning relationship, at least to a certain degree, you don’t have too many options:

1. Breaking up and forget. This is not working so let’s turn the page. No phone calls, no nothing.

2. Keep the friendship but don’t talk about getting together anymore. Pretend nothing happened. Forget about those issues… maybe until the next serious relationship.

3. Get to the root of the problem. I know where all this is coming from… but he doesn’t. They’re too intimate and hurtful memories to be shared, even with your partner. Even with people who also remember and can understand. Like I said the other day: “There are wounds that go too deep and never heal”.

Well, I’m stubborn and I say this one is going to heal. I can’t let a past life trauma to take the reins of my life and not allow me to be happy. I’ve had enough of it. And I know that if I don’t face it now, it will keep annoying me later in this life, or in my next life, whenever I try to have a romantic relationship and enjoy it all along, as much as I can.

Now, how do you tell someone who is not too much into reincarnation that you have a past life trauma and is affecting you as it had happened yesterday? Just telling it. If you can’t speak, then write. I’ve been quite kind though, and I’ve spared him some details. He already knew that I was once a black widow who poisoned her husband and got hanged for it. And I think it’s quite brave of him to keep loving me as he does. What History doesn’t tell, and no normal person can begin to imagine, is how this husband of mine mistreated me and how that made me feel. It hurt so much, it keeps hurting today. That’s why I still mourn for that past life, and that’s why I needed to put some distance and analyze where I was going.

I feel vertigo because I don’t know if he will be able to assimilate this information and work it out with me. I fear this could be too much for him, maybe he could even run away and don’t look back anymore, though I trust he won’t. Not that I’m expecting this will get us together again, I’m not sure about that point yet and there’s no need to rush things. Changes take time, and we both need to make changes and decide if it’s worth trying again. But still, I feel vertigo because this means to approach our problems in a new way I had not tried before. Remembering past lives is hard, and you don’t talk about it with anyone, you get used to the silence, the loneliness and the bitter watches. So, trying to deal with these past life issues being so open about it is like trying a new experiment for the first time. Or like launching a rocket to the space. After all this time studying, planning and executing, you want it to work perfectly. A mistake means a painful loss of effort and money. But I think that it’s the fairest thing I can do, if my past life issues are affecting other person too.

I also feel vertigo when I see how interwoven our past lives become with the present, how they can blend in our present lives… and if you’re not aware enough, you can’t even understand what’s happening, why something goes wrong when apparently there is no reason for it. I wonder how many situations in life could be solved if only people were aware of the origin of those problems. 

I have my doubts I’ll achieve what I want. But I’m going to try with all my might.