Triggered.

I hate to be triggered when I am with my partner. But sometimes it happens. And I don’t know the reason but I feel as if it’s getting easier and easier for me to be triggered or to have spontaneous flashes.

It’s hard to describe these past life memories. They come unexpectedly: I had spent all the afternoon in quite a light-hearted mood and I suddenly felt the weight of all those past life emotions in my heart. I also feel kind of an energy shift, my body feels different and when I think of myself I no longer think of the person I am now, but the person I was back then. No matter if my eyes are open or closed, the image I have in my mind is no longer the place I am now, but the room I was when something broke in my soul. Images are usually blurred, they feel like a scene in a TV screen that starts to flicker and you can’t see it with all the definition, though sometimes it’s impressive how they become so real and fixed, as if you could take a photograph of a moment in time. 

Emotions are a different thing altogether. Emotions are not blurred, they are not an echo, not a distant memory of childhood that makes you smile. They come from the past, but they are not past. They are fresh, raw, tough, and have no mercy, they tear you apart like a dozen stabs from the hand of an enemy who caught you unawares in the dark.

It’s not so much what he did, but how what he did made me feel. I highly suspect reincarnation is all about feelings, and how you react to them, how you control them and how you use them. When you are dead you don’t feel much. But our physical lives are made of feelings. We call them good or bad, positive or negative, but the truth is feelings are just feelings, and we all can choose to make something good or something bad out of them.

For me, WWII is mostly fear. Also, helplessness. Being alone. And mistaking weakness for strength. We all are so wrong.

When we hear the word “strong” we imagine a big man with tree trunk biceps lifting a stone of three hundred kilograms.

When we hear the word “weak” we imagine a little girl crying in a corner.

When we hear the word “brave” we imagine Rambo saving the world with a machine gun.

When we hear the word “coward” we imagine someone who didn't want to fight, pointing the gun to his head and pulling the trigger.

The truth is exactly the opposite. People like to think you are weak because that makes them feel they are stronger. They will kill you and they will think they are powerful. But they are only showing their weakness.

My soul may be broken and bleeding, but at least I know this time... the blood is mine. Only mine.