Christmas time.

This year the Christmas season is being strange. Well, maybe because all the year has been strange. This time I haven't been so depressed as I used to. All my family decided to scatter and celebrate on their own, as nearly no one was up to celebrate anything in a year with so many deaths and losses, so maybe that made things easier. For me Christmas Eve was like any other night I spend with my partner, with the only exception of a homemade apple tart as dessert which was absolutely delicious.

Then December 26th arrived, I was on my own again and decided to sit down for a short while in the garden, to receive some warm sunlight. Sometimes I do self-reiki, but this time I only closed my eyes and concentrated on the energy flowing through my whole being. Maybe that alone is reiki. I mention this because later in the day I started to feel past life emotions. I started to feel a bit of anxiety... then when I was replying to a question about how our past lives have affected current family relationships, tears came to my eyes just thinking about how depressed I have always been when Christmas arrived, as I always missed someone I had never known in this life. Especially in my teenage years, I just couldn't be happy during a season when everyone was supposed to be happy. This year, with so many abscences in the family, I think they all could understand how I used to feel back then, but now... maybe it's too late. Probably they have forgotten about my mood and my resistence to celebrate anything, not even knowing the reason why I did that. Perhaps they never wondered... Well, now I know the reason, but they won't ask me about my past lives. They don't seem interested and anyway I won't talk if I am not asked.

Then, when I went to sleep, spontaneous (old) memories started to surge, to play in my mind, as clear as any other memory from my current childhood, or the place I visited two days ago. It never ceases to surprise me. There are data missing, of course, data that is there somewhere in my subconscious and I can't seem to be able to bring to the surface. But there are a few images I just can't erase from my mind: a big Christmas tree and an ice rink in a square at night time, the snow in the window sill, the images of the house I lived, the thoughts of war, strange voices crackling in a radio talking of German occupation, an uncertain future... I was wondering, if I always get so depressed during Christmas, is it because I already missed him back then? Maybe we couldn't be together. But I have the feeling I feel like this because Christmas was just the period where the last happy memories of that life took place. I believe we made that trip to the mountains in that time. After that we had to travel to France. And there we would find real war, and death.

Death found us, but I went on living in a new body. As many reincarnationists know, death doesn't put an end to anything, with the exception of the physical body. And my feelings of missing someone I didn't know always became stronger in Christmas time, even when I didn't know who or what I was missing. Even as I write I can't shake off the sadness it still causes me, it is just stronger than me.

My heart sinks just contemplating current pictures of the Christmas market in Prague's Old Town. I know I was there. I remembered quite early those wooden stalls, I think I didn't live too far from there. It resembles so much my current hometown, but no, it is not exactly the same. People are different, the feelings are different, my clothes were different, much older and poorer. It is all here inside me, but somehow it is something I can't completely grasp. It is like an old echo you can hear in the distance, but can't recognize or bring it to your senses with all its strength and reality. It is a part of me that got lost.

Even when I know I can't recover or relive anything I left there, among other things because I am not the same anymore, sometimes I wish so much I could travel back in time.