Mourning (2).

It turns out I talk a lot about mourning in this blog, but I am not sure about the reason. It is true I was in a difficult situation in my current relationship when I started to write here, and it is also true I had a lot of mourning to do in regards to my Black Widow life. Both lives were merging into one, as I knew a great part of my behavior had an origin in the XIX century, when my husband cruelly mistreated me.

But now it is a different mourning, the real mourning that takes place after you lose a loved one. I was born missing someone, and recalling past lives and finding out death is not the end helped me understand space is an illusion. Distance is an illusion. No one goes “to the other side”, though the illusion is so strong you really feel a profound emptiness that breaks your heart. Now that I have finally overcome all those feelings and I can’t say I don’t miss anyone anymore... all right, only occasionally, it seems the Universe sends me the final test to see if I can graduate. The majority of my past life memories include loss in one way or the other. I don’t think this is uncommon, but in my case it is a repetitive pattern I don’t know how to interpret: 

• In XIX century I died and I left my sailor behind. In this life he was the main person to blame of this past life journey.
• In XX century my German soldier died (same soul than before) and I killed myself.
• Long before that, he was my father and he was caught and killed by invaders. My mother and I were enslaved. I suspect I killed myself or died violently.
• Not sure when, all my Native American family was slaughtered by white men and I was the only one left.

Mourning for a loved one and accepting their loss, is already hard. Mourning for an entire family, including old people and children, a whole tribe, the only people you knew and grew up with, is awaking new emotions I had never felt through my past life journey, and I can say it hasn’t been an easy journey.

I wonder why I am remembering this now. Is there a point? Do I need something else to heal? I thought it was over, I wasn’t even interested on finding out more about that little Native American girl I once saw in one of my flashes, ages ago, when I was a newbie and tried my first regressions. If I were a believer in karma, I would have to say I spent the rest of my lives killing and breaking up families to deserve so many separations from my loved ones. Or... maybe I could think I keep doing something wrong and I don’t learn, so the same events keep repeating again and again. What is there to learn from the loss of a loved one? Is there really a way to make it “right”? No, I don’t believe that. Last time I asked my spirit guide he said I already knew. And my theory, as I said in my last entry, is I am doing kind of a master course on losing people you love and mourning, with the only purpose of understanding and be able to help when I am ready. There are a number of reactions to that event. As in any other event, some of those reactions can be disastrous and lead you to your own death. I guess losing people and things is one of the main causes for pain in this world. Pain is on the root of many other feelings that can destroy your soul. It takes great courage and wisdom to live a life carrying the burden of that loss on your shoulders. Usually people don’t understand the toughness of these trials. I think we have still so much to learn from death and beyond. I am beginning to wonder if part of my fascination about death comes from the fact it is always an invaluable opportunity to grow stronger. It is a tough lesson, of course. Maybe that is the reason we must live through it so many times.

I haven’t seen yet the end of my Native American life. But while I was recalling the beginning of my mourning phase yesterday, after the initial shock, I was feeling like a seventy-year-old more than like a little kid. Another thing that surprises me is the absence of any kind of desire to avenge their deaths, as opposed to other past lives of mine. Maybe I was too innocent to feel like that, maybe I was so devastated there was only room for darkness in my heart, the darkness of my own sorrow. I wasn’t looking for answers, there were no whys. It happened, that is all. The sun goes up, the sun goes down. People live, people die. I believed they were somewhere faraway, but still alive. I was sad they had gone to a place where I couldn’t follow, just like Sam when he thinks he has lost Frodo (scene that always made me so emotional). Only, my kin were really dead, and they were not coming back.