Christmas again.

Wow... it is over a year and a half since I started to write this blog. And the Festive Season has come again, bringing all those old feelings of sadness and depression. These days are also being weird, but completely different than last year.

During the two last weeks I have come to feel exhausted, mentally exhausted. The life of a reincarnationist like me is quite tough as I was saying in my previous entries. I have been talking about suicide, discussing my theory on time and simultaneous lives with other people, answering questions of newbies almost every day, writing privately to those who didn’t find honesty elsewhere, arguing with people who put more value on old channeled information and NDE’s than people with verified past life memories... and finally, realizing all this stress is not doing any good to my mental health. The migraines started to be more frequent and intense, and I had to take a break.

While I am working so hard reading and writing, I forget about emotions simmering in my inside. I am beginning to think it is no more than a way to block past life mood. Katrina’s past life plays an important part in those emotions, as much as present life events that frustrate me and anger me. I hardly can quiet my mind, and when I do I don’t get clear memories, just a whirlwind of flashes and dark feelings that take me back to WWII. I can see myself as Katrina looking at the mirror, face so pale and young, and eyes so big but so lifeless. Hearing people pondering whether it was suicide or not feels kind of weird... as if I didn’t know what I was feeling and the intentions I had in mind. And then trying to convince someone that the notion of living lives simultaneously, implying you can change your past at any moment and so change your present, is preposterous, to say the least, just leaves me even more depressed and saddened. I should have learned by now that you can only talk about past lives with people who remember past lives. At least I am lucky enough to find also gentle and caring people who turn up just to say “Hey, I understand you”, help with the research and bring some calm to my restless soul.  

Last night I was trying to meditate and I was feeling like so many times before: past life emotions become so present. I can feel Katrina at the bottom of this dark pit, where she had fallen and couldn’t get out. And God knows I tried. I tried to climb, I called for help, I looked up at that bright little white circle at the top, getting ever smaller as my desperation grew, reaching for salvation, but no one came. And I couldn’t get out. All the fighting was useless, and that is what keeps affecting me today, what causes the anxiety and the lingering (though controlled) thoughts of self-destruction.

As I usually do with my other past life selves, I asked her what she wanted, what she needed, why her pain is so alive today, 73 years later. As always, I knew I just wanted a place to mourn... not for me, but for Johann. I didn’t have the time to do it. I don’t know where he was taken. I only can see his corpse wrapped in one of those filthy sacks or wherever they put the corpses. I wish I could have cried my eyes out as I was standing in front of the stretcher, after asking permission to do so, but there were people close, watching even then. It still feels so unreal. It seems I just can’t move on from that point. I recalled other past lives where I lost many of my loved ones: tombs where my wife and babe were buried, rag dolls I made with my own hands to remember my relatives, peaceful but unwanted partings... All were quite painful too, but they don’t bother me so much now, maybe because I could mourn for the people I had lost? I couldn’t do it properly in the case of Johann, I didn’t live long enough. Is that the reason my main desire is to find Johann’s grave, not mine? What would you want to do, Katrina?

And the answer always is: to say goodbye. Just that. And until the day I can do it, the stages of mourning will haunt me endlessly: denial, anger, bargaining, depression... and all over again. 

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Christmas time.