Purposes.

The purpose of life. The purpose of reincarnation. The purpose of remembering. Is there any purpose at all? Is there any purpose in flowers to blossom and die, apart from giving the plant the possibility of reproduction? Is there any purpose in the sun rising on the East and setting on the West? Thinking it’s for keeping us human beings warm is a too anthropocentric point of view for my liking… It seems we can’t stop searching the purpose behind everything, but who says there is indeed a purpose?

Lessons to be learned… Experiences to be lived… Many say that’s the purpose of reincarnation, but what for? So much suffering, so much toil, so much dragging through the days… and then you can sum up that lesson in a few words. Compassion. Wealth won’t make you happy. You can’t impose your way of thinking through violence. Forgive those that did you wrong. Isn’t there an easier way to learn?

I’ve never been good finding out my lessons. Maybe I haven’t wondered enough (or I didn’t ask). Or maybe I haven’t learned anything. I’m amazed at the wisdom some people show when they talk about their past lives and they seem to know exactly the purposes of those lives. I haven’t reached that point yet. I don’t even know why I remember. Supposedly the purpose was to get better, to know why I was afflicted by depression and anxiety, to get to know the root of the problems so that I can pull at it and eliminate it from my life, so that I can go on and be happy… or at least less sad. It worked… but only partially. And now I do want to go on with my life, but it seems there’s an evil God up there doing all he can to prevent that from happening. Hmm… putting the blame on gods? No, it seems I haven’t learned anything…

All seems so wonderful and enlightening, so… “spiritual”, but the truth is that when you remember how shitty your past lives have been, you start to wonder “Why should this one be different?” Is it all a matter of choice? Of doing things right? Did it end nice when I made good decisions? No, it just ends when it ends… We’re not here to find happiness, that’s something I discovered quite early on my journey, but that idea is so ingrained in our minds, it’s really hard to assimilate we’ll never be happy. We’ll just live the best we can, or the worst we can, that doesn’t matter really, while we spend the time we have been given and our body gets old. They say life is what you make of it, the problem is that sometimes you want to make it a way you’re not allowed to, or you don’t have the means to do it, so we just have to accept what we have.

We sleep better at night if we think there’s a purpose, but I suspect people who don’t worry about it, just like animals and plants, are a lot happier than me. I suspect that, just like that flower, the only purpose of life is to be alive. To struggle to be alive... because we won't need to fight anymore when we're dead. 

No, I’m not too optimistic today…

Inner conflicts.

I’m going through a hard stage in my life, that’s clear. It’s a time of change, a time of uncertainty. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if anything I’ve done so far has been useful. I can’t find any purpose on it. And in the middle of this confusion, reincarnation only plays a small part… but a worthy part nonetheless.

A few anonymous kind souls are helping me through this dilemma, though the majority of them don’t even know and possibly can’t imagine how grateful I am for their words. As a writer and as a reincarnationist, I feel the need to share my experiences, I feel the need to shout it out loud to the world, whoever is listening. But I’m finding it hard to decide the best way to do it and how far I must go in the description of those experiences. The reason for this is mainly that in my country reincarnation is not widely accepted, I feel as some kind of pioneer —a pioneer like those who die in a jungle and no one cares what happened to them… “the fool got lost, it’s likely a tribe of cannibals ate him”—. What’s more, I am someone who goes against the main stream of New Age and other spiritualist teachings that are very far to my way of thinking. In other words: I feel so alone. And, if usually everyone who talks about past life memories is going to be considered a loony, even more someone who is so independent and has to fight constantly against wide-spread concepts so ingrained in everyone’s minds. I’m taking an enormous risk here… but what alternative do I have left? Being quiet is not an option. Quitting is not an option. Keeping it secret and let it kill me little by little, is not an option. Being stubborn, and write, write, write… yes, that’s an option!

When I talk with English-speaking people, with many more years of experience than me, I’m somewhat comforted: “You’re not a loony”, “Knowledge is to be shared”, “We need to express ourselves”, are some examples of phrases I’ve read that make me understand not only that I have the right to talk, but also that I must do it. I’d even say it’s my duty. I was granted the gift of writing, and for one reason or another, I remember some of my past lives. I just can’t be quiet as if nothing had happened. We’re talking of experiences that have the power of changing us at a spiritual level like no other thing can do. And I’m convinced everyone who wants to do it, if they’re ready for it, can do it. Just like I did, as soon as I knew the techniques. I’ve already done a lot of work putting those techniques together… only, I feel no one cares in my country, or maybe they’re not ready to take that step yet. That’s alright, but I can’t wait for them, I need to keep moving, I need to keep learning and growing, I need to find others who can teach me new things and make me see where I only find darkness. That’s why I’ve started to write in English, because I think most people who care are English-speaking and they’ll find easily this blog, and I’ll be able to relate to their own experiences, and they’ll be able to relate to mine, and I’ll reach new places where I won’t feel so lonely anymore. And this blog wants to go further, so much further… but my mind is still stuck in this mistrust and fear to be judged, to be misunderstood, to find sarcastic smiles and unbelieving eyes, when this is so, so serious and important for Humanity.

I know, I have to leave all that behind. Probably it’s only a reflection of my own insecurity. I also know I don’t have to convince anyone. I’ve had enough of that. I’m entering a new level and I do want to go inside, where it truly hurts, where I can find my wisdom, where I can understand and find some light, and then share it with others who may be in need of finding others with similar experiences, just like happened to me in the past. I still need it nowadays. I need it like the air that I breathe… Remembering past lives is an extremely solitary path. Not even the ones who have been there can understand completely, we all are different and we all need different ways to deal with our memories.

Now the fight is over. I need a change in my audience. Non-believers won’t care anyway, so why should I care about what they think? I’m not the only one who is writing more or less openly on the Internet about their past life memories. Unfortunately, most of us have to keep our true identities hidden, and it’s true not all these accounts have the same level of sanity, but there’s also a great amount of good work that is being done. Perhaps we tend to think we are just a small drop of water in the ocean, all alone, all in our own journeys towards the Truth… but someday we’ll wake up to see those tiny drops of water have become a flood and nobody will be able to remain ignorant to the persistent messages we are leaving on the Internet. One day the tide will turn… for the better. And if I can’t see it in this life, I’ll see it in the next.

At least, I hope so.

The Simple Truth.

I’ve been reflecting for weeks now about this concept of “The Truth”, so I was glad to find these two quotes in a place I frequent:

“The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.”

Winston Churchill

“An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it.”

Mahatma Gandhi

There’s only One Truth, not multiple truths. I’ve become quite tired and I’m beginning to feel jaded about all this reincarnation/spiritual talk that says “We all are right, we have different experiences, but who knows who has the Truth, we all may as well have it”. I think this is just a diplomatic way to say all beliefs have the same value, everyone can say whatever and even if it sounds crazy, it will be alright, because it’s their experience, so who are we to judge, they have their own truth and we have to respect it.

And my opinion on this is: “No. Not all the experiences are the same. Not all beliefs are valid. There’s only One Truth. The rest are only different interpretations, all subjective, of that truth. And we, as human beings who are still confused and are seeking for answers, must dig deep in these experiences, to reach the Real Truth behind them, and discard the fantasy, the preconceptions and the myths that time and legends have woven around the Truth”.

When I say this, I feel I come across as some kind of intolerant and arrogant bastard who thinks he knows better than anyone else. Social norms, net-etiquette, or whatever, says you can’t argue with anyone or defend your opinions because “all experiences are valid and maybe none of us is right”. And I think: “That’s a lot of shit”. We all are looking for answers, and we all have experiences that can bring us closer to the Truth. We have to talk about them, compare them to what other people have described, find the points in common, and, always with a rational and objective thinking, start to reach some conclusions. What we can’t do is to think all black shadows are demons, assume they can’t be any other thing, only demons, and pretend we know everything and the rest of people are ignorant. We all have our own truth, what we think we experienced… but we can only get closer to the Truth listening to the other hundreds of experiences and see where we may be right in our interpretation, and where we may be wrong. And when I’m sure of something, it’s because I’ve seen it in the majority of cases and I assume there’s something true on it. Even then I can be wrong, but I have a lot more of elements to judge.

When I talk about how I think things are, I don’t talk only from my own experience, but also from information I’ve learned in many other sources, information I’ve analyzed and cleaned from those interpretations that distort the Truth behind it. Human beings have the habit of wanting to transform the Truth so that it’s more similar to their own beliefs. And they put different names to the same things, only adding to the confusion that reigns in spiritual places. Religions would be the most extreme example of this. And quite sad, because they show how bloody intolerant and cruel human beings can be with each other. We all know there’s something common to all religions, especially the monotheist ones, but most people keep being trapped in the dogmas and rituals, leaving everyone else out, perpetuating racism, sexism and all kind of hatred, instead of forgetting everything about it and stay with the One Truth behind all of them: that we all are spiritual beings in a path of human experience, where we have to learn to love and respect each other. Anything else is superficial and useless. But we still have a long way to break all this primitive concepts that hinder us so much in our paths. Religions are the cause of so much darkness and suffering in our world that I can’t explain why people haven’t already opened their eyes and forget about them once and for all. It makes me feel I’m still in a playground, surrounded by kids who only want someone to tell them what is wrong and what is right, so that they have not to worry, instead of assuming their responsibility and searching for the One Truth on their own. It’s over 2000 years now since Jesus said we have to look for it in the inside, in our hearts. But it seems no one listened to him…

No one knows the Absolute Truth, I’ll give you that. I’m afraid human beings can never achieve that knowledge, because our human senses deceive us. But we do have a lot of keys that help us see that Truth, and we must use them all. There’s no point in focusing in one aspect of our human nature and forget about the others, they’re all pieces of the same puzzle. If we focus only in one of those aspects, we’ll only have a partial truth. And I do think there are not too many people in the world who study all sides of it. Not even scientists, who should be way more open to all kind of spiritual experiences. I think that’s why I’m becoming so jaded. After all these years studying reincarnation, NDE’s, OBE’s, religions, esoteric teachings, and many paranormal phenomena (and now with my own experiences), I see it all so clearly in my head… I just don’t understand why other people can’t see it, and why they keep asking the same questions again and again. Of course, I’m far from knowing everything, and it’s hard to be completely specific about certain matters, but I’ve put two and two together in my mind and it’s like having these diagram of a crime scene on the wall, almost done, with only a few unsolved mysteries on it. And it’s so frustrating I can’t make other people see.

So… going back to the initial quotes, everyone is free to believe in the bunch of lies they choose to. Everyone can alter the Truth and tell us that’s what we must believe. Someone said that if a lie is repeated over and over again, it becomes the Truth. But I don’t agree with that. The Truth, hidden or not, is always there, whether you see it or not. When I’m pissed off, I sometimes use the sentence “Believe what you want”, and I know many people will think I’m that intolerant and arrogant bastard who thinks he knows better than anyone else. That’s not politically correct… but I’ve never been good in diplomacy anyway (at least in this life). And I just don’t care: the Truth is out there, for all those who are ready to embrace it. Like Jesus said: “Those who have ears, let them hear!”

And I add: 

“Not all slaves know what to do with their freedom, when it is given to them”. 

Hurting.

No… hurting is not the word. But I’m lost for words. I’m lost for everything, really. I don’t understand the world I’m living in anymore. I don’t understand myself. Friends that seemed good friends are suddenly gone or look strange… What seemed right in the past, now it’s wrong. All gone. All different. Wondering all along: what am I doing here?

I created this blog to talk about all the things I don’t feel comfortable talking about in other places. To force myself somehow to write about all those secrets hidden in the deepest places of my soul, as if I’m trusting the Moon and the Stars to listen and give me counsel, now that I feel no one listens anymore. The problem is… I don’t even know where to begin. Strong, bitter emotions, keep stuck inside. One day it seems it’s getting easier, but the next I’m back where I was. Someone told me emotional traumas (this life or past life-related) get crystallized inside of us, and no matter how much time has passed since the creation of that trauma, we have the impression we’re reliving it time and time again. We have to find the origin of that trauma and understand the illusion of the emotion behind it. Only then we can heal. Although I know she’s right, the problem I have here is that past and present have become the same. And just like I didn’t know how to deal with the hurting caused in the distant past, I don’t know how to deal with it in the now… the fight is not useful any longer, or so it seems. What worked when I was young, is not working now. However, things haven’t changed much… only, I’m a bit older now, and I’m a lot more tired and hopeless. I’ve done all I was supposed to do, and even finished projects I started in my youth… but they’re fruitless. It’s like I’m treading on a barren land, after years and years working in the fields and sowing good seeds. I’ve gained nothing… as if I had done… nothing.

Is the end getting closer? Not the real end, but a new beginning… If that’s true, I don’t see it. Like Legolas before the battle in Helm’s Deep, I’m falling into despair. I used to listen to a radio broadcast which started with a phrase: “Only when the tunnel is in absolute darkness, light can start to shine again”. Am I reaching the deepest darkness of my soul? Is this the biggest trial I’ll face in this life, how to get out of this mess? I have no idea.

There are people in worst situations, some would say, to cheer me up. This crisis is striking hard on all of us, and there's a few around me going through tough phases too… well, that’s alright, but it’s no comfort for me. And though this in no way can compare to a war or to be killed in a revolution, I just thought for a while that I deserved some happiness, some tiny little happiness, maybe just knowing that people value my effort and my experiences and want to listen and learn. I have lots of things to say, there are hundreds of books inside of me, mysteries to be told, insights I can give, just like an ancient wise man beside a bonfire, with starry-eyed children and adults crowding around him, eager to hear the next tale. But the world is not like that anymore, as I was saying at the beginning of this entry. It’s becoming a confusing and dark place, with a lot of chatter but so few worthy words in it. With tons of information, but so little real knowledge. With people who follow blindly other people, searching for answers, when the answers are deep inside us… and always have been. Where we know better than ever how human beings have committed (and are committing) despicable atrocities… but we keep doing harm and turning our heads to the other side, as if we’re not responsible of everything that happens in our planet. And putting our faith in hollow symbolisms, and getting confused by old superstitions, as if we’re still living in the caverns, but now we dress with suits and we only worship our mobile phones… surrounded by technology, and denying our own spirituality, the only thing that really makes us human.

I’m lost. I’m a lost soul in an ocean of stupidity and my days are numbered. I can only drown.

I’ve just remembered a song that fits here, and it could be a good ending for this entry. It’s not the same time I feel like this. Feeling strange and isolated is not new in my life, of course. It’s only that it’s getting harder and harder to bear…  here in this space capsule I’ve built, while I’m watching the world and sometimes shouting… knowing no one can hear me… and there’s nothing I can do.

MISSION (A WORLD RECORD)

For many days we travelled from a distant place and time,
To reach a place they call the planet Earth,
There was to be a celebration,

On the mission of the sacred heart.

The planet Earth from way up there is beautiful and blue

And floating softly through a rainbow,

But when you touch down things look different here,

At the mission of the sacred heart.

Watching all the days roll by

Who are you and who am I?

On a dirty worn-out sidewalk, sits a mother with a baby,

In her vale of tears she sees no rainbow

And someone's singing from a window

In the mission of the sacred heart.

Watching all the days roll by

Who are you and who am I?

There's a building on a corner, in a city, in a land,

On a place they call the planet Earth,
My orders are to sit here and watch the world go by,

From the mission of the sacred heart.

Dreaming of death.

This morning I dreamt I died. Well, to be exact, I was killed. I suspect there were elements of past lives here, but it wasn’t a pure past life dream. Unfortunately I don’t get many of those. In this dream I had attended a concert and I was going back home late at night. On my way home I came past three men and a bit later I stumbled across a drunk tramp who was trying to lie down on a dirty rag just in the middle of the street. When I finally I could go on walking I arrived to a dark alley on my left, a quite scary alley, long, dark and narrow, more like a tunnel. I knew I would be soon home at the end of that tunnel. But just when I was reaching the end, the same three men I had seen before turned up and they were coming towards me… and I knew they had been following me and they didn’t have good intentions. I feared they were going to rape me. Suddenly the dim light that filled the tunnel turned into a deeper darkness. I stopped and tried to turn around, but one of them was already close and was reaching out his hand to grab me. Then I screamed to ask for help, but the second man had a gun. I could only see the flashes of the two gunshots that hit me in my belly. I felt something humid pouring out from the wound. I knew that was the end, that I was going to die, though I was still a little concerned about what would happen with my body. It was sad… so terribly sad. I didn’t want to die. And then I woke up.

Those two flashes were incredibly realistic. This doesn’t mean anything past life-wise, there have to be more elements to be a real past life dream. In the past life where I died in a similar way, it was also dark, and I made a soldier shoot me, because I wanted to die. There were three shots, not two, but they hit me in my belly too. That’s the reason I think there could be some past life elements here mixing with the dream.

It’s not the first time I've had dreams of death. Every time it happens I’m going through phases of great changes in my life, and yes, this is one of those moments. Some weeks ago I had a very significant dream, even before the breaking up started… so it was kind of premonitory. Yesterday evening was not easy, and the night was certainly a bitter one, waiting a long time for sleep. I prefer friendship rather than enmity, but while the romantic relationship is still dying, it hurts so much to act as if it didn’t hurt. And while a part of me still wants to cling to that old life, there’s another part of me saying that’s not wise and the best decision is to leave it all behind. But it’s a process, a long and painful process I must go through alone. Maybe that’s the reason this song by Survivor made me so emotional this morning, and I found new meanings in the lyrics, as I always do with old songs when I’m passing through bad times like these.

MAN AGAINST THE WORLD

Have you ever walked alone at night

like a man against the world

No one takes your side

a boat against the tide

When your faith is shaken you start to break

and your heart can’t find the words

tossed upon the sand

I give you a man against the world

All the people cheer ‘til the end is near

and the hero takes a fall

then they’ll drug you through the mud

You’re only flesh and blood

I have walked the path from dark to light 

and they’ve yet to come to terms

Alone I take my stand

I’m only a man against the world

And love, like a distant reminder

it tugs at my shoulder

it calls me home 

I shout, can a single voice carry

Will I find sanctuary within your arms

Someday when the answer’s clearer

Someday when I even the score

you’ll reach and you’ll find me near you

right beside you

forevermore

But for now I’ll walk the night alone

like a man against the world

A brand new day will shine

through the avalanche of time 

Now the road’s grown long, but the spirit’s strong

and the fire within still burns

Alone I take my stand

I give you a man against the world

I guess the good part is I’ve always been like a phoenix, I always rise from the ashes again, and I’ve done it quite a few times in my life. The difference is now I also have the perspective that reincarnation gives me: I know so well how relationships come and go, that love is not meant to endure forever, not that kind of human love so tainted with desires, selfishness, passion, possession, jealousy, need of affection, dreams not fulfilled… Love is complicated, we all know that. Sometimes I yearn for people I loved who are now dead, but not even then things were perfect. In planet Earth things rarely are perfect and I want to believe there’s a reason for everything that happens. I also remember relationships that ended much, much worse than now. Who knows when or if we'll meet again, but encountering old soulmates or just people who once were friends doesn't mean anything anyway. That doesn't mean happiness is guaranteed. 

I guess it’s just life, no one said it was easy.

Mourning.

Sometimes things happen just when it is time, just when you need it...

A friend of mine posted the following in a forum we both visit daily. She didn't know I had been thinking about Frodo's grief after his return home, and how this reminded me of the feelings I have in regards to reincarnation and the wounds that never heal. Least of all, she knew about the self-regression I did yesterday night, where old scenes of a past life that still hurt so much turned up again. Though here the mourner is mourning for a deceased loved one, we who remember past lives, and most of all, remember our own deaths, see the similarities between this mourning and the emotions we have while we're trying to accept that past life.

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

    by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

    

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

    No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

 2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

    Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

 3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

    Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

 4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

    Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

  5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

    Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

 6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

    The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

 7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

    If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

 8. You have the right to search for meaning.

    You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

 9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

    Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

 10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

   Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Not long ago I was mourning for a life that is still present. Today I mourn for a life that is past. Is there really any difference? I don't think there is, as time is an illusion. And thanks to my friend, today I know I have all the right in the world to grieve for that past life, as long as I need it. I am constantly reminding myself "If you need to cry, just cry, cry, CRY". Nothing's wrong about it. And I do. But I never know when it will be the last time. It seems... not yet.

Does it matter anyway? We have all eternity to mourn and we have the right to decide when to move on. There are lives I wish I'd never forget, but no longer they seem to bother me. And I can't even bring back the good memories, at least no more than blurred images or faint emotions long gone. But there are other lives that still come like giant waves on a calm sea, wholly unexpected, just when you thought it was over. When I first started to remember this life, I was surprised it didn't bring strong emotions with it, I didn't even feel guilty about what I did. Now, it has become one of the toughest ones. Still no guilt, but the rest of emotions are really strong and they stick to me, hardly letting me breathe.

I suspect this is because there are no different lives. We all live an eternal life where we change our physical bodies, but there's no beginning and there's no end. And it's just natural that similar events or situations in the present bring memories of past lives where we went through similar problems. Which is the reason behind this, I wish I knew. One of my strongest theories is we can handle those problems in a better way if we have those past lives in mind. Sometimes it could be even a reminder not to make the same mistakes again. Other times, maybe there's no reason. We remember just because we remember, kind of you go to an amusement park in Paris called Eurodisney and you think: "Hey, in my past life I was in a similar park called Disneyland, but this was in the States". 

In this case though, I'm remembering because it still hurts. It hurts how a life that could have been a normal life became a nightmare and I didn't find a better option than destroying myself and a few around me. It hurts because I couldn't get over the shock, the hatred and the desire of revenge. I could have stopped, but I just followed down that path until Justice caught me. I had it all, I lost it, I had the chance to leave it all that behind but I wasted it, possibly engulfed by my own suffering and never forgetting old deeds that could have been... maybe not forgiven (not so soon), but tossed aside and buried in the darkest of holes, as something that should never have happened and that it was not my fault. But once again... the victim turned into the aggressor.

The final part of that life is accepted. I reaped what I sowed. What is not accepted yet is the initial shock; the mistreatment by my husband, the one who was supposed to love me and protect me, as the marriage vows said; the denial of all those close to me, who counseled me not to speak; the fear of not being believed if I talked; the silence and the isolation I felt from all those around me, witnesses who turned into accomplices, instead of defending the young and the weak.

No wonder I still need to mourn. For that past life and for all the other women (and men) who add to the ever-growing lists of deaths caused by what is now called "domestic violence".

There and back again.

I was going to use this title for the blog itself. For me it sounded like “reincarnation”. “There” being the planet Earth (or the physical world you choose to reincarnate, in my case it’s been always planet Earth, as far as I remember), and “Back” the spiritual world. Due to technical reasons I finally couldn’t do it, and I’m glad now, first because I identify much more with Eowyn and her bitter watches, and second, because today I’ve realized… there is no going back. Just like Frodo says at the end of The Return of the King.

And this can be applied to many aspects of reincarnation.

One of them is reincarnation itself. We say we are a soul having a human experience, and when we die we return home, where we’re eternal and we have nothing to fear. Well, this is true, but our soul is not exactly what it was. Human experiences change us, possibly at a slower pace than most people think, but when we’re back home, we’re never the same. We can’t be. Maybe that’s the fundamental reason why we incarnate, to be changed… to learn, some say. And they call it “spiritual evolution”. I don’t like the word “evolution”, because most people understand it has to be always a change for the better. However, I’ve just searched for the meaning of “evolution” in the internet, and this is what I’ve found:

1. A gradual change in the characteristics of a population of animals or plants over successive generations: accounts for the origin of existing species from ancestors unlike them.

2. A gradual development, esp. to a more complex form: the evolution of modern art.

3. The act of throwing off, as heat, gas, vapour, etc.

4. A pattern formed by a series of movements or something similar.

5. An algebraic operation in which the root of a number, expression, etc, is extracted.

6. An exercise carried out in accordance with a set procedure or plan.

http://www.wordreference.com/definition/evolution

It says nowhere it has to be for the better… unless people have thought all this time human beings are the best form of evolution and then they have extrapolated this thought to our spiritual condition too. Of course, I disagree. We evolve, that’s certain, but that means we change gradually through our human experiences, sometimes for the better, sometimes we just… change.

Frodo made me think of all this, because some of his wounds from his quest and his journey to Mordor never heal. Like he says, there are hurts that go too deep. And I’ve found this is what happens with us, those who remember past lives. Or at least it takes time, a whole lot of time, and no, it’s not enough visiting past life healers or spiritual counselors… it just takes time. I can be the best doctor in my field, but I can’t rush the process, nature is nature and it has its laws. I can help, I can clean, I can foresee complications and fight against them, but to heal completely… it will heal just when it has to.

So, we return home, and we go back to Earth, but the burden is not the same. The burden is ever heavier and heavier, we may have chosen to leave behind a part of that burden, but we can’t turn our backs on the things we have lived, even if it’s in an unconscious way.

Another aspect of reincarnation where we can apply the saying “There is no going back” is the process of discovering your past lives. Not long ago I used to say that once you have found knowledge, you can’t go back to ignorance. In other words, you can’t “unlearn” what you have learnt. Yes, you can pretend nothing changed, or even ignore the fact that the dreams you had were not normal dreams, but past life memories… you can go on with your life and not give reincarnation a second thought. But lying to yourself is not very responsible, is it? And repressing feelings is not even healthy. So there’s no use in hiding or avoiding what you have found: that you have lived before, that sometimes you’ve made mistakes, that for some reason you’re back here in this difficult task, not very sure of the meaning, if it’s any at all. Almost without realizing it, you’ve changed. And when you die and go back home, you won’t be the same anymore.

Remembering past lives changes you so much that people who used to know you may say you are like a stranger to them. And that’s a curious thing to happen, as now you know yourself much better than before…

Stuck in the present.

Or trapped. Hanged, as in the Tarot card? No way to move. I feel like I’m an alien inside an egg, waiting for the right time to liberate myself and hatch out, some kind of a birth or a re-birthing. Quite appropriate for a blog that is supposed to deal with reincarnation…

The other day I got the first critics for one of my novels. I had commented earlier that every character had a bit of me. And this person said she could see that was true. She especially liked one of them, a character who was not there from the beginning. He was a late invention, however he started to grow and he also became my favourite. This character used to wear a ragged grey cloak with a hood, to protect him from the rain, and I often would write the raindrops would linger on the border of the hood, like tears. The same tears the rain helped conceal. Be it for the power of my imagination, or because that image is a real past life memory, I feel like that right now. That’s part of the reason why the scene where Arwen is walking through the woods mourning the death of Aragorn means so much to me. She also wears a hood which conceals her tears. I’ve always wanted to wear one like that.

In my meditations I always reach a river which I call “The river of life”. If you follow the river up, you reach the spring, that is, where it all began, your past. If you follow the river down, you reach the mouth, that is, what is to come, your future. I’m usually not interested in the future, but in the past. Today, it was dark and the waters run dry. I knelt down beside the river bed like I always do, only this time I was not wearing my normal clothes. I had this grey hood over my head and I felt so, so tired, as if a hundred knights on horses were following me and there were no place to hide. I can’t look up, I can’t look down, I just stay there frozen, wondering where to go now, where to do, knowing all is lost. I wait for my mind to go inside my soul, in search for answers, in search for images in the past which could help me find the way. But I can’t move backwards… and I can’t move forward either. I guess something has to be worked out, but what?

Death takes its own time. Better quick than slow, if I could choose… I’ve known both and this feels like a neverending agony. I’m about to ask someone to finish me off thrusting a blade into my heart. But I guess you can’t kill easily something that’s been strong and alive for quite a while. It will take some time to go away, as a chronic disease we’re finally getting rid of. 

  

Sometimes I think I haven’t cried enough. I'm still mourning for a life that is gone, hurting at the sight of what I called home for five years, now empty and rented in less than a day, witnessing how a dream can vanish in the blink of an eye, especially if it's based on vain illusions. And we get too used to build these high walls around us so that no one knows something’s wrong. I don’t need to do that anymore, or so I think. But maybe, unconsciously I keep doing it all the same. Pretending life goes on, with the same hopes, with the same strength.

Anyway, nothing lasts forever. Soon enough all this will be over. And even when we’ve been hanged in the past, we’ve always ended up freed. And this I mean… literally.

The world is changed.

Galadriel: “The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air”.

I’ve started the blog with a lot of LOTR quotes, but I don’t know why (besides the fact I’m a big fan of Tolkien, and I was long before the movies). And I promise I’ll stop doing it soon. In case someone have doubts, I am not the reincarnation of Eowyn, and that’s not my real name. I only identify with this fictional character for a number of reasons I may or I may not tell in this blog.

I’m not sure if the world is changed. It’s more likely I’ve changed myself, and that’s why I see it all in a different way now. A few days ago I was feeling like dying, now I’m feeling I’m leaving a lot of things behind. I need to do new things, I need to readapt myself to something that is slowly growing in the dark… though I don’t know exactly what it is yet. I’m not too worried about the future, but that uncertainty is not easy to live with. I’ve never stopped in the middle of the road, but somehow it seems the world has stopped on its own. At least for me. For a while. I hope.

I’ve come a long way, sure. I’ve been feeling very tired lately too, physically and mentally. Not long ago I was talking with some friends about how hard it has been always for me to find my place. Could be this is a consequence of my past life as a sailor, one I deeply miss this time around. I always have to keep moving. Even as a child I was oddly aware that nothing lasted forever, starting with my friends, who would come and go whenever they pleased, and that’s why I always was reluctant to give myself too much. For me that comes with a lot of effort, and that effort would be worthless if those people were going to disappear sooner rather than later. Anyway, if I stay too long in the same place, I become restless and I feel like I’m wasting my time, so I’m always looking for new shores. So, maybe the need or the desire to have a place to call home was only an illusion. Or, this strong desire I had in another of my past lives has been there for a reason, and they are only two different parts of myself which have opposed to one another, for a reason… again. Maybe there’s no reason. Maybe it’s just I’m contradictory, or I don’t know what I want.

The thing is I’ve always thought I knew what I wanted… only, it’s not happening the way I had dreamt. Yes, nothing new here. Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans, so they say. But still, if it’s true we all have spirit guides guiding us through life, they could send me a clue or two about what to do next. Or should I do nothing? Like I said, it’s not that I’m idle all day long, but the Universe wants me to stay paralyzed, just thinking, writing, contemplating the night sky while I keep watch…

I’ve been reading some interesting accounts from people who say they have remembered how they chose their present lives. I wish I could do it, but lately my meditations are paralyzed too. No one there, no one answers, they (my guides) must be in a party or something, and forgot about me, down here on Earth. If I could remember just a bit I might understand what I’m doing here right now, waiting for something that never becomes real.

I guess I just need some introspection. I really hope this is the calm before the storm. I need some action in my life, and better if it’s in a brand new world!  

The bitter watches of the night.

Gandalf: "But who knows what she spoke to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all her life seemed shrinking, and the walls of her bower closing in about her, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in?"

Well, maybe the world is going to know... now.

Aragorn: "When I first looked on her and perceived her unhappiness, it seemed to me that I saw a white flower standing straight and proud, shapely as a lily, and yet knew that it was hard, as if wrought by elf-wrights out of steel. Or was it, maybe, a frost that had turned its sap to ice, and so it stood, bitter-sweet, still fair to see, but stricken, soon to fall and die?"

The answer is in my past lives.

This blog is not a work of fiction, though maybe some people will feel more comfortable thinking it is. I could as well write all this in my private journals, but recently two different persons made me realize a couple of things:

1. We, as people who remember past lives, need to express ourselves. We can hide, we can write whatever we want in our journals, loads of material waiting perhaps to be released after our deaths, when the world is ready to listen to our experiences. After all, that's what I've been doing for more than two years. But, to be honest, I've reached a point when I think there's no use for my memories to keep gathering dust in a drawer. Not only I need to write, I also need to be heard. By whom? Only for those who need it or are prepared for it. Most of them will remain anonymous, but I have hope my words can reach them and be somehow useful, something I can't do if I keep silent.  

2. While visiting a blog of someone I didn't know, I saw she said she didn't want readers to link her blog anywhere. She didn't want to be publicized. She said people would get there on their own, right when they needed it, like some kind of signal from the universe. I've found that's especially true in regards to reincarnation. No one is going to listen, unless they are ready to understand, to change, to embrace a reality that is out there for all who want to accept it and grow with that knowledge.

Why in English? This is not my mother tongue, and sometimes I may not find the right words for what I'm trying to say. But it doesn't matter. I write in English for several reasons:

- I don't want to be known or famous, I don't want to be recognized. I know no one is safe in the internet these days, and anyone clever enough can reach here if that's what they want, even find out my real life identity. That's why I don't put too much effort concealing my steps. I'll take that risk. I'm not ashamed of who I am, and I'm brave enough to give explanations if I have to. But if I can, I'll spare myself the nuisance. And silly or not, writing in English makes me feel safer, seeing most of my compatriots are easily shooed away if they have to read a foreign language.

- If I write in English I'll reach more people, of different nationalities, and most importantly, people more open to reincarnation and possibly people who also remembers. Even if they are shy sharing their own experiences, they always can find comfort knowing they are not alone in the world.

- I feel quite lonely sometimes, almost isolated and even misunderstood. I truly feel most people in the Spanish-speaking countries are not ready to remember, or are too new to the concept to speak openly about it. I'm tired, really tired, of the fighting, the arguments, the attempts to try to make people look in the right direction. They just don't want to see, they prefer to keep doubting. I don't need that anymore. The people I can relate to are English-speaking in a 95% of the cases, and if needed I can always tell them where I am now. I can share with them my feelings, my fears, my memories, without the fear of being judged, knowing they have walked similar paths. I already do that in the appropiate places, but this is intended to be a more personal work, kind of a diary to read in the dark at night, afraid someone could catch you doing what you shouldn't do... taking a look to some private words only written for myself, in those long watches of the night, when you're waiting with eyes open wide, for the sleep to come.

As long as I don't know you're watching, you're welcome.