Hurting.

No… hurting is not the word. But I’m lost for words. I’m lost for everything, really. I don’t understand the world I’m living in anymore. I don’t understand myself. Friends that seemed good friends are suddenly gone or look strange… What seemed right in the past, now it’s wrong. All gone. All different. Wondering all along: what am I doing here?

I created this blog to talk about all the things I don’t feel comfortable talking about in other places. To force myself somehow to write about all those secrets hidden in the deepest places of my soul, as if I’m trusting the Moon and the Stars to listen and give me counsel, now that I feel no one listens anymore. The problem is… I don’t even know where to begin. Strong, bitter emotions, keep stuck inside. One day it seems it’s getting easier, but the next I’m back where I was. Someone told me emotional traumas (this life or past life-related) get crystallized inside of us, and no matter how much time has passed since the creation of that trauma, we have the impression we’re reliving it time and time again. We have to find the origin of that trauma and understand the illusion of the emotion behind it. Only then we can heal. Although I know she’s right, the problem I have here is that past and present have become the same. And just like I didn’t know how to deal with the hurting caused in the distant past, I don’t know how to deal with it in the now… the fight is not useful any longer, or so it seems. What worked when I was young, is not working now. However, things haven’t changed much… only, I’m a bit older now, and I’m a lot more tired and hopeless. I’ve done all I was supposed to do, and even finished projects I started in my youth… but they’re fruitless. It’s like I’m treading on a barren land, after years and years working in the fields and sowing good seeds. I’ve gained nothing… as if I had done… nothing.

Is the end getting closer? Not the real end, but a new beginning… If that’s true, I don’t see it. Like Legolas before the battle in Helm’s Deep, I’m falling into despair. I used to listen to a radio broadcast which started with a phrase: “Only when the tunnel is in absolute darkness, light can start to shine again”. Am I reaching the deepest darkness of my soul? Is this the biggest trial I’ll face in this life, how to get out of this mess? I have no idea.

There are people in worst situations, some would say, to cheer me up. This crisis is striking hard on all of us, and there's a few around me going through tough phases too… well, that’s alright, but it’s no comfort for me. And though this in no way can compare to a war or to be killed in a revolution, I just thought for a while that I deserved some happiness, some tiny little happiness, maybe just knowing that people value my effort and my experiences and want to listen and learn. I have lots of things to say, there are hundreds of books inside of me, mysteries to be told, insights I can give, just like an ancient wise man beside a bonfire, with starry-eyed children and adults crowding around him, eager to hear the next tale. But the world is not like that anymore, as I was saying at the beginning of this entry. It’s becoming a confusing and dark place, with a lot of chatter but so few worthy words in it. With tons of information, but so little real knowledge. With people who follow blindly other people, searching for answers, when the answers are deep inside us… and always have been. Where we know better than ever how human beings have committed (and are committing) despicable atrocities… but we keep doing harm and turning our heads to the other side, as if we’re not responsible of everything that happens in our planet. And putting our faith in hollow symbolisms, and getting confused by old superstitions, as if we’re still living in the caverns, but now we dress with suits and we only worship our mobile phones… surrounded by technology, and denying our own spirituality, the only thing that really makes us human.

I’m lost. I’m a lost soul in an ocean of stupidity and my days are numbered. I can only drown.

I’ve just remembered a song that fits here, and it could be a good ending for this entry. It’s not the same time I feel like this. Feeling strange and isolated is not new in my life, of course. It’s only that it’s getting harder and harder to bear…  here in this space capsule I’ve built, while I’m watching the world and sometimes shouting… knowing no one can hear me… and there’s nothing I can do.

MISSION (A WORLD RECORD)

For many days we travelled from a distant place and time,
To reach a place they call the planet Earth,
There was to be a celebration,

On the mission of the sacred heart.

The planet Earth from way up there is beautiful and blue

And floating softly through a rainbow,

But when you touch down things look different here,

At the mission of the sacred heart.

Watching all the days roll by

Who are you and who am I?

On a dirty worn-out sidewalk, sits a mother with a baby,

In her vale of tears she sees no rainbow

And someone's singing from a window

In the mission of the sacred heart.

Watching all the days roll by

Who are you and who am I?

There's a building on a corner, in a city, in a land,

On a place they call the planet Earth,
My orders are to sit here and watch the world go by,

From the mission of the sacred heart.