Inner conflicts.

I’m going through a hard stage in my life, that’s clear. It’s a time of change, a time of uncertainty. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if anything I’ve done so far has been useful. I can’t find any purpose on it. And in the middle of this confusion, reincarnation only plays a small part… but a worthy part nonetheless.

A few anonymous kind souls are helping me through this dilemma, though the majority of them don’t even know and possibly can’t imagine how grateful I am for their words. As a writer and as a reincarnationist, I feel the need to share my experiences, I feel the need to shout it out loud to the world, whoever is listening. But I’m finding it hard to decide the best way to do it and how far I must go in the description of those experiences. The reason for this is mainly that in my country reincarnation is not widely accepted, I feel as some kind of pioneer —a pioneer like those who die in a jungle and no one cares what happened to them… “the fool got lost, it’s likely a tribe of cannibals ate him”—. What’s more, I am someone who goes against the main stream of New Age and other spiritualist teachings that are very far to my way of thinking. In other words: I feel so alone. And, if usually everyone who talks about past life memories is going to be considered a loony, even more someone who is so independent and has to fight constantly against wide-spread concepts so ingrained in everyone’s minds. I’m taking an enormous risk here… but what alternative do I have left? Being quiet is not an option. Quitting is not an option. Keeping it secret and let it kill me little by little, is not an option. Being stubborn, and write, write, write… yes, that’s an option!

When I talk with English-speaking people, with many more years of experience than me, I’m somewhat comforted: “You’re not a loony”, “Knowledge is to be shared”, “We need to express ourselves”, are some examples of phrases I’ve read that make me understand not only that I have the right to talk, but also that I must do it. I’d even say it’s my duty. I was granted the gift of writing, and for one reason or another, I remember some of my past lives. I just can’t be quiet as if nothing had happened. We’re talking of experiences that have the power of changing us at a spiritual level like no other thing can do. And I’m convinced everyone who wants to do it, if they’re ready for it, can do it. Just like I did, as soon as I knew the techniques. I’ve already done a lot of work putting those techniques together… only, I feel no one cares in my country, or maybe they’re not ready to take that step yet. That’s alright, but I can’t wait for them, I need to keep moving, I need to keep learning and growing, I need to find others who can teach me new things and make me see where I only find darkness. That’s why I’ve started to write in English, because I think most people who care are English-speaking and they’ll find easily this blog, and I’ll be able to relate to their own experiences, and they’ll be able to relate to mine, and I’ll reach new places where I won’t feel so lonely anymore. And this blog wants to go further, so much further… but my mind is still stuck in this mistrust and fear to be judged, to be misunderstood, to find sarcastic smiles and unbelieving eyes, when this is so, so serious and important for Humanity.

I know, I have to leave all that behind. Probably it’s only a reflection of my own insecurity. I also know I don’t have to convince anyone. I’ve had enough of that. I’m entering a new level and I do want to go inside, where it truly hurts, where I can find my wisdom, where I can understand and find some light, and then share it with others who may be in need of finding others with similar experiences, just like happened to me in the past. I still need it nowadays. I need it like the air that I breathe… Remembering past lives is an extremely solitary path. Not even the ones who have been there can understand completely, we all are different and we all need different ways to deal with our memories.

Now the fight is over. I need a change in my audience. Non-believers won’t care anyway, so why should I care about what they think? I’m not the only one who is writing more or less openly on the Internet about their past life memories. Unfortunately, most of us have to keep our true identities hidden, and it’s true not all these accounts have the same level of sanity, but there’s also a great amount of good work that is being done. Perhaps we tend to think we are just a small drop of water in the ocean, all alone, all in our own journeys towards the Truth… but someday we’ll wake up to see those tiny drops of water have become a flood and nobody will be able to remain ignorant to the persistent messages we are leaving on the Internet. One day the tide will turn… for the better. And if I can’t see it in this life, I’ll see it in the next.

At least, I hope so.