Dreaming of death.

This morning I dreamt I died. Well, to be exact, I was killed. I suspect there were elements of past lives here, but it wasn’t a pure past life dream. Unfortunately I don’t get many of those. In this dream I had attended a concert and I was going back home late at night. On my way home I came past three men and a bit later I stumbled across a drunk tramp who was trying to lie down on a dirty rag just in the middle of the street. When I finally I could go on walking I arrived to a dark alley on my left, a quite scary alley, long, dark and narrow, more like a tunnel. I knew I would be soon home at the end of that tunnel. But just when I was reaching the end, the same three men I had seen before turned up and they were coming towards me… and I knew they had been following me and they didn’t have good intentions. I feared they were going to rape me. Suddenly the dim light that filled the tunnel turned into a deeper darkness. I stopped and tried to turn around, but one of them was already close and was reaching out his hand to grab me. Then I screamed to ask for help, but the second man had a gun. I could only see the flashes of the two gunshots that hit me in my belly. I felt something humid pouring out from the wound. I knew that was the end, that I was going to die, though I was still a little concerned about what would happen with my body. It was sad… so terribly sad. I didn’t want to die. And then I woke up.

Those two flashes were incredibly realistic. This doesn’t mean anything past life-wise, there have to be more elements to be a real past life dream. In the past life where I died in a similar way, it was also dark, and I made a soldier shoot me, because I wanted to die. There were three shots, not two, but they hit me in my belly too. That’s the reason I think there could be some past life elements here mixing with the dream.

It’s not the first time I've had dreams of death. Every time it happens I’m going through phases of great changes in my life, and yes, this is one of those moments. Some weeks ago I had a very significant dream, even before the breaking up started… so it was kind of premonitory. Yesterday evening was not easy, and the night was certainly a bitter one, waiting a long time for sleep. I prefer friendship rather than enmity, but while the romantic relationship is still dying, it hurts so much to act as if it didn’t hurt. And while a part of me still wants to cling to that old life, there’s another part of me saying that’s not wise and the best decision is to leave it all behind. But it’s a process, a long and painful process I must go through alone. Maybe that’s the reason this song by Survivor made me so emotional this morning, and I found new meanings in the lyrics, as I always do with old songs when I’m passing through bad times like these.

MAN AGAINST THE WORLD

Have you ever walked alone at night

like a man against the world

No one takes your side

a boat against the tide

When your faith is shaken you start to break

and your heart can’t find the words

tossed upon the sand

I give you a man against the world

All the people cheer ‘til the end is near

and the hero takes a fall

then they’ll drug you through the mud

You’re only flesh and blood

I have walked the path from dark to light 

and they’ve yet to come to terms

Alone I take my stand

I’m only a man against the world

And love, like a distant reminder

it tugs at my shoulder

it calls me home 

I shout, can a single voice carry

Will I find sanctuary within your arms

Someday when the answer’s clearer

Someday when I even the score

you’ll reach and you’ll find me near you

right beside you

forevermore

But for now I’ll walk the night alone

like a man against the world

A brand new day will shine

through the avalanche of time 

Now the road’s grown long, but the spirit’s strong

and the fire within still burns

Alone I take my stand

I give you a man against the world

I guess the good part is I’ve always been like a phoenix, I always rise from the ashes again, and I’ve done it quite a few times in my life. The difference is now I also have the perspective that reincarnation gives me: I know so well how relationships come and go, that love is not meant to endure forever, not that kind of human love so tainted with desires, selfishness, passion, possession, jealousy, need of affection, dreams not fulfilled… Love is complicated, we all know that. Sometimes I yearn for people I loved who are now dead, but not even then things were perfect. In planet Earth things rarely are perfect and I want to believe there’s a reason for everything that happens. I also remember relationships that ended much, much worse than now. Who knows when or if we'll meet again, but encountering old soulmates or just people who once were friends doesn't mean anything anyway. That doesn't mean happiness is guaranteed. 

I guess it’s just life, no one said it was easy.