The world is changed.

Galadriel: “The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air”.

I’ve started the blog with a lot of LOTR quotes, but I don’t know why (besides the fact I’m a big fan of Tolkien, and I was long before the movies). And I promise I’ll stop doing it soon. In case someone have doubts, I am not the reincarnation of Eowyn, and that’s not my real name. I only identify with this fictional character for a number of reasons I may or I may not tell in this blog.

I’m not sure if the world is changed. It’s more likely I’ve changed myself, and that’s why I see it all in a different way now. A few days ago I was feeling like dying, now I’m feeling I’m leaving a lot of things behind. I need to do new things, I need to readapt myself to something that is slowly growing in the dark… though I don’t know exactly what it is yet. I’m not too worried about the future, but that uncertainty is not easy to live with. I’ve never stopped in the middle of the road, but somehow it seems the world has stopped on its own. At least for me. For a while. I hope.

I’ve come a long way, sure. I’ve been feeling very tired lately too, physically and mentally. Not long ago I was talking with some friends about how hard it has been always for me to find my place. Could be this is a consequence of my past life as a sailor, one I deeply miss this time around. I always have to keep moving. Even as a child I was oddly aware that nothing lasted forever, starting with my friends, who would come and go whenever they pleased, and that’s why I always was reluctant to give myself too much. For me that comes with a lot of effort, and that effort would be worthless if those people were going to disappear sooner rather than later. Anyway, if I stay too long in the same place, I become restless and I feel like I’m wasting my time, so I’m always looking for new shores. So, maybe the need or the desire to have a place to call home was only an illusion. Or, this strong desire I had in another of my past lives has been there for a reason, and they are only two different parts of myself which have opposed to one another, for a reason… again. Maybe there’s no reason. Maybe it’s just I’m contradictory, or I don’t know what I want.

The thing is I’ve always thought I knew what I wanted… only, it’s not happening the way I had dreamt. Yes, nothing new here. Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans, so they say. But still, if it’s true we all have spirit guides guiding us through life, they could send me a clue or two about what to do next. Or should I do nothing? Like I said, it’s not that I’m idle all day long, but the Universe wants me to stay paralyzed, just thinking, writing, contemplating the night sky while I keep watch…

I’ve been reading some interesting accounts from people who say they have remembered how they chose their present lives. I wish I could do it, but lately my meditations are paralyzed too. No one there, no one answers, they (my guides) must be in a party or something, and forgot about me, down here on Earth. If I could remember just a bit I might understand what I’m doing here right now, waiting for something that never becomes real.

I guess I just need some introspection. I really hope this is the calm before the storm. I need some action in my life, and better if it’s in a brand new world!